i'm noticing a pattern. every morning about 2 am. i find myself WIDE awake. so i drink some tea and try to hook up with the sandman. i'm on my second cup of "bedtime" yogi tea, still no z's. i listened to this and have been inspired to find "silence". SIDE NOTE: i find myself trying to outrun silence lately. even in the witching hour, i find myself piddling around-with thoughts swimming, rather than just sitting in the silence. no guilt or shame, just a simple truth. noticing without harsh judgement. falling in love with right now. because right now is all you have. so what do i love right now? opening my heart and giving myself space to wonder about life, love, relationships, conflict. my blog has been pretty quiet. my words flow with pen and paper (or paint and markers). so what do i think about at 4 in the morning (because the sandman stood me up)? after i accept my day started earlier than i would like... i think about what i want. i think about the billion things i need to do or want to do. i think about empty nests, and hard days and trials by fire. i think about where i've come from and how i got here. i think about making coffee and giving into the idea i'm not going back to bed. i think about time and how fleeting it is... i think about never backing down from a fight and why that is. i think about being bold and loud and trying to make peace with this side of me. i think about saving man kind. i think about all my little and not so little worries. i think about not having a shred of control... i think about the laugh lines and silver strands. i think about needing to go to the store. i think and think and think...
so why the ramblings? because right now, in this moment, it feels like a good idea to type all this down. i still don't know why i'm up, so i'm leaning into it and just experiencing the quiet and maybe, just maybe i can find stillness in the silence.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
daring 2014 hope for 2015
i usually start my year end blog around october... taking inventory and measuring the results. i dared not to this, this year. i road out 2014 until about 9:30 pm on 31DEC14 (yes i went to bed early) before looking back.
my four letter word for the year was DARE
so what was so daring about 2014, you might ask... i dared to dream BIG. i dared to be over the top excited about an adventure. i dared to get on an air plane and fly across an ocean for more than 10 hours, with the knowledge that these days you can LOSE a freakin' plane. i dared to travel to a place where they are known for deadly animals, insects, snakes, fish and CAMP in a TENT! i dared to walk the streets of a huge city without having any idea if we were in a good/shady part of town. i dared to close my eyes and open my heart and just be present. i dared to dance like no one was watching - surrounded by thousands of people. i dared to ask complete strangers if i could drive their boat (catamaran). I also dared to look the envious passengers in the eye and think to my self loudly "yup i'm driving this ship" :) i dared to swim with tropical fish and hold a blue star fish. i dared to add to my "title" - World Traveler! i dared to light 44 candles in my house and wish as i blew them out. i dared to enter my dark and twisty time giving myself permission to feel ALL my feelings for as long as it takes.
i've learned to say without panic or heart palpitations "i'm middle aged". I have also learned that middle age is a lot like going through puberty again. your body is doing strange things and your hormones are a bit erratic and you grow hair where you have no idea of any good reason to have hair there! speaking of hair, i've learned it is a curious thing to become more salt than pepper.
over all it was a good year. except for one thing... i have misplaced my hope. i can not really pin point when this happened exactly. its like one day i noticed i didn't have very much and before i knew it, it was gone. (deep breathe) i usually psychoanalyze the reason to death, but i find myself realizing this is the ebb and flow of life - kind of a high tide low tide type of view. i've made a conscious decision to not look for the reason why, but accept this to be and move on to finding it again.
my word for 2015, you guessed it HOPE. there are many definitions for hope, but my favorite is : to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. i think i'm off to a dashingly good start ;)
on this day thirteen years ago i said good bye to my dad. i said lots of things to him that day... saying good bye was the beginning of the hardest things i've had to do. i miss him regularly. i miss him calling me and reminding me we hadn't spoken in a while - this was usually in some cartoon voice :). i miss him the most around my (our) birthday. i miss him telling people my favorite cake was chocolate even though my favorite cake has never been chocolate... HIS favorite cake was chocolate. i miss us arguing about the meaning of life. i miss his influence and his brutal honesty. i miss his laugh and the way he would light up a room just by entering it. i miss his dumbfounded look when i would say something smart. i even miss when he would embarrass me in public on purpose.
thirteen years ago my oldest was thirteen. my dad has been gone half of his life... lots has happened in these thirteen years. i survived being a single parent to two teenage boys and watched them grow up into men right before my eyes. i witnessed the birth of my grandson, and just like that became a grandma. i helped take care of my granny b until her very last heart beat... i've still been learning how to live in the world without them in it. seriously, thirteen years doesn't seem that long ago...
my four letter word for the year was DARE
so what was so daring about 2014, you might ask... i dared to dream BIG. i dared to be over the top excited about an adventure. i dared to get on an air plane and fly across an ocean for more than 10 hours, with the knowledge that these days you can LOSE a freakin' plane. i dared to travel to a place where they are known for deadly animals, insects, snakes, fish and CAMP in a TENT! i dared to walk the streets of a huge city without having any idea if we were in a good/shady part of town. i dared to close my eyes and open my heart and just be present. i dared to dance like no one was watching - surrounded by thousands of people. i dared to ask complete strangers if i could drive their boat (catamaran). I also dared to look the envious passengers in the eye and think to my self loudly "yup i'm driving this ship" :) i dared to swim with tropical fish and hold a blue star fish. i dared to add to my "title" - World Traveler! i dared to light 44 candles in my house and wish as i blew them out. i dared to enter my dark and twisty time giving myself permission to feel ALL my feelings for as long as it takes.
i've learned to say without panic or heart palpitations "i'm middle aged". I have also learned that middle age is a lot like going through puberty again. your body is doing strange things and your hormones are a bit erratic and you grow hair where you have no idea of any good reason to have hair there! speaking of hair, i've learned it is a curious thing to become more salt than pepper.
over all it was a good year. except for one thing... i have misplaced my hope. i can not really pin point when this happened exactly. its like one day i noticed i didn't have very much and before i knew it, it was gone. (deep breathe) i usually psychoanalyze the reason to death, but i find myself realizing this is the ebb and flow of life - kind of a high tide low tide type of view. i've made a conscious decision to not look for the reason why, but accept this to be and move on to finding it again.
my word for 2015, you guessed it HOPE. there are many definitions for hope, but my favorite is : to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. i think i'm off to a dashingly good start ;)
on this day thirteen years ago i said good bye to my dad. i said lots of things to him that day... saying good bye was the beginning of the hardest things i've had to do. i miss him regularly. i miss him calling me and reminding me we hadn't spoken in a while - this was usually in some cartoon voice :). i miss him the most around my (our) birthday. i miss him telling people my favorite cake was chocolate even though my favorite cake has never been chocolate... HIS favorite cake was chocolate. i miss us arguing about the meaning of life. i miss his influence and his brutal honesty. i miss his laugh and the way he would light up a room just by entering it. i miss his dumbfounded look when i would say something smart. i even miss when he would embarrass me in public on purpose.
thirteen years ago my oldest was thirteen. my dad has been gone half of his life... lots has happened in these thirteen years. i survived being a single parent to two teenage boys and watched them grow up into men right before my eyes. i witnessed the birth of my grandson, and just like that became a grandma. i helped take care of my granny b until her very last heart beat... i've still been learning how to live in the world without them in it. seriously, thirteen years doesn't seem that long ago...
Sunday, August 17, 2014
sometimes
sometimes you can get lost in your thoughts... sometimes i get lost in a thought or an idea or a memory and then i swim there for awhile. sometimes just treading water. sometimes floating. sometimes kicking and splashing. sometimes fighting the waves that are crashing down with the high tide... sometimes you need more than a life jacket or floatation device. sometimes you wish you could just lay on the wet sand letting the sunshine kiss your shoulders... sometimes the water looks better from a distance.
seasons are changing again. there is a hint of coolness in the air. summer is passing and fall will soon be brushing the leaves on the trees...
Friday, July 11, 2014
moments
our days are made up of them:
little-big-funny-scary-sexy-revolting-happy-devastating
... moments
in a blink your life can change. in a breath, you may never see the world in the same light ever again. in a heart beat things can never be undone. with a touch things may be unrecognizable.
moments pass too fast/slow all in the same instance.
just like you're wanting/not wanting to know.
with age comes wisdom.
my conclusion... no matter what you do, you can never predict the outcome-the universe has a way of throwing curve balls, reminding you, your not in charge.
so what do you do with this? you laugh, you love, you cry, you get angry.
little-big-funny-scary-sexy-revolting-happy-devastating
... moments
in a blink your life can change. in a breath, you may never see the world in the same light ever again. in a heart beat things can never be undone. with a touch things may be unrecognizable.
moments pass too fast/slow all in the same instance.
just like you're wanting/not wanting to know.
with age comes wisdom.
my conclusion... no matter what you do, you can never predict the outcome-the universe has a way of throwing curve balls, reminding you, your not in charge.
so what do you do with this? you laugh, you love, you cry, you get angry.
in a moment, this too shall pass.
looking for a silver lining...
Saturday, May 10, 2014
how do you want to feel?
there i was.
up at five on a saturday.
this means i rested well... (and quite possibly over being jet lagged)
the rain coming down, my mind and heart open. i have been knee deep in the gifts of imperfection part two. i hate being and feeling behind and for this course i am both. i have no guilt or shame in any of this because i was on a life changing adventure with my best friend in a land far far away... OZ.
the first part of this course helped me to find my authentic self-k thats not entirely true-it helped me remember my inner child, in a really beautiful reunion with dancing and singing and tears of happiness. i can't say i talk to her everyday. i can say she is with me everyday-even becoming who i am-again.
while i have been on this journey of finding peace and pieces of me, i was introduced to the idea of desire mapping. i become inspired to ask myself "how do you want to feel?" this is an amazing exercise.
right now.
this very second, i want you to get up and go to the nearest mirror. i want you to look yourself in the eye and ask "how do YOU want to feel?". if you say "i don't know", ponder this and revisit the question. OH and come back and finish reading my babble ;) . if you said you don't know, i can relate. i had to get out my trusty notebook-not the organized notebook that i write in with chronological purposes, but the OTHER notebook that has doodles and random rants and grocery lists and my grandsons drawings. first i started writing down words-randomly-without a whole lot of thought-purging on a blank page. once i was done, i went back and framed the words that really spoke to me. i went back to the mirror and asked the question again. this time i had an idea of what i would say back to my reflection. i wrote on my mirror the answer (in fact its still there). this journey has caused me to realize important things. first-i'm not the worst case (which is good news). i'm not the best case (which means there is room to grow). i'm not judging-merely trying to have an objective view, a reference point.
i'm ready to move forward.
recently i ordered the desire map and i am starting to look at things around me with a new intention. internally i am letting go and cleaning out the closet. i am making room to grow and feeling good through the process. i should mention getting to this place was dark and twisty a lot of the time. lots and lots of doubt and shame. lots of time spent not feeling comfortable in my skin and in a miserable headspace. its all temporary-the good and the bad and i'm choosing to lean into ALL of it.
i am currently in deep thought. pondering my core desire feelings. if you want, we can share :)
Mine:
love
happiness
courage
hope
peace
to live with my whole heart
okay now tell me yours.
up at five on a saturday.
this means i rested well... (and quite possibly over being jet lagged)
the rain coming down, my mind and heart open. i have been knee deep in the gifts of imperfection part two. i hate being and feeling behind and for this course i am both. i have no guilt or shame in any of this because i was on a life changing adventure with my best friend in a land far far away... OZ.
the first part of this course helped me to find my authentic self-k thats not entirely true-it helped me remember my inner child, in a really beautiful reunion with dancing and singing and tears of happiness. i can't say i talk to her everyday. i can say she is with me everyday-even becoming who i am-again.
while i have been on this journey of finding peace and pieces of me, i was introduced to the idea of desire mapping. i become inspired to ask myself "how do you want to feel?" this is an amazing exercise.
right now.
this very second, i want you to get up and go to the nearest mirror. i want you to look yourself in the eye and ask "how do YOU want to feel?". if you say "i don't know", ponder this and revisit the question. OH and come back and finish reading my babble ;) . if you said you don't know, i can relate. i had to get out my trusty notebook-not the organized notebook that i write in with chronological purposes, but the OTHER notebook that has doodles and random rants and grocery lists and my grandsons drawings. first i started writing down words-randomly-without a whole lot of thought-purging on a blank page. once i was done, i went back and framed the words that really spoke to me. i went back to the mirror and asked the question again. this time i had an idea of what i would say back to my reflection. i wrote on my mirror the answer (in fact its still there). this journey has caused me to realize important things. first-i'm not the worst case (which is good news). i'm not the best case (which means there is room to grow). i'm not judging-merely trying to have an objective view, a reference point.
i'm ready to move forward.
recently i ordered the desire map and i am starting to look at things around me with a new intention. internally i am letting go and cleaning out the closet. i am making room to grow and feeling good through the process. i should mention getting to this place was dark and twisty a lot of the time. lots and lots of doubt and shame. lots of time spent not feeling comfortable in my skin and in a miserable headspace. its all temporary-the good and the bad and i'm choosing to lean into ALL of it.
i am currently in deep thought. pondering my core desire feelings. if you want, we can share :)
Mine:
love
happiness
courage
hope
peace
to live with my whole heart
okay now tell me yours.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
being five
i had to make sure he didn't turn into a big kid over night... for the record it sure feels that way. i wrote about him saying Good bye ONE Hello TWO; two days left of being two; very last day of being three and being FIVE.just.like.that. even though there were lots of days in between then and now... it still feels like it happened in a blink.
Five from Monybean on Vimeo.
while he was five he:
began drawing pictures and making up stories.
mastered lower case letters in the alphabet.
started kindergarden.
learned to read (really well).
rides the bus like a boss.
struggled a little socially.
challenged his teacher because he learns new things quickly.
favorite food started out as mexican lasagna but now is pizza.
for a week he decided his favorite cake was "chocolate german" but recently went back to carrot cake.
says "reg-a-ler" but stopped saying "buzzert" (desert).
is still a morning person.
still dances when a song inspires him, only these days he gets embarrassed if he notices someone watching.
his smile changed in a single moment when he lost his first tooth and about a week later he lost the second (which was good because his adult teeth were growing behind them:) ).
worries about things being "right".
has started dreaming at night more vividly and is excited to share what he has dreamt about.
has school friends.
count to six in spanish.
likes to dress up in a suit.
likes his hair to be combed like "robin" (a comb over to the side) rather that "up" (in a mohawk).
likes science projects and math (oh and recess).
had his very first school program.
he still loves super heros and he told me when he grows up he wants to be a "men in black" hehehehehe (of the Will Smith variety). what an incredibly smart and witty boy :) happy birthday maximus!!
Five from Monybean on Vimeo.
while he was five he:
began drawing pictures and making up stories.
mastered lower case letters in the alphabet.
started kindergarden.
learned to read (really well).
rides the bus like a boss.
struggled a little socially.
challenged his teacher because he learns new things quickly.
favorite food started out as mexican lasagna but now is pizza.
for a week he decided his favorite cake was "chocolate german" but recently went back to carrot cake.
says "reg-a-ler" but stopped saying "buzzert" (desert).
is still a morning person.
still dances when a song inspires him, only these days he gets embarrassed if he notices someone watching.
his smile changed in a single moment when he lost his first tooth and about a week later he lost the second (which was good because his adult teeth were growing behind them:) ).
worries about things being "right".
has started dreaming at night more vividly and is excited to share what he has dreamt about.
has school friends.
count to six in spanish.
likes to dress up in a suit.
likes his hair to be combed like "robin" (a comb over to the side) rather that "up" (in a mohawk).
likes science projects and math (oh and recess).
had his very first school program.
he still loves super heros and he told me when he grows up he wants to be a "men in black" hehehehehe (of the Will Smith variety). what an incredibly smart and witty boy :) happy birthday maximus!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
getting ready
you may or may not know i'm soon to be a world traveler. i am excited. i am scared. i am excited. i am scared. i'm excited again.
i have rituals- they have changed over the years- things like checking to make sure the refridge is closed tight, the garbage is taken out, windows are shut-i'm leaving for a while and when i come back i want my home to be as a left it-kind of rituals. with the people that i love i go through a similar process. telling them i love them in a big way giving them a hug and a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of the hand and then i look at them and take a mental picture-lately i have been taking selfies :) like i said my rituals have changed/evolved over the years. i also go through the if i die this is where the important papers are... i have been having this conversation with my boys for YEARS. when they were little i wanted them to be prepared, and we needed to have a plan, ya know-just incase. this conversation freaks them out a little (LOT). i really do not do this to freak them out - i do it so that i know they have tools and well, we have a plan.
this trip i'm going on caused me to update my important papers and have... the TALK. my boys humor me while they are visually uncomfortable. we talk about what to do with stuff and it usually ends with one or both of them say -this is dumb your not going to die. to be honest, i'm totally okay with the conversation ending like this, it works, ya know :)
one of the driving forces of me going on an epic adventure like this one is-life is precious-and short... so i'm going toward the joy, every single chance i get :) rather its eating dessert before the main course or dancing around the house to a new song i just downloaded OR flying around the world with my best friend because-i can!
i'm still struggling with what to put in my back pack (this is my packing ritual lol) but i'm ready to take this giant leap and enjoy every single moment with reckless abandon.
i have rituals- they have changed over the years- things like checking to make sure the refridge is closed tight, the garbage is taken out, windows are shut-i'm leaving for a while and when i come back i want my home to be as a left it-kind of rituals. with the people that i love i go through a similar process. telling them i love them in a big way giving them a hug and a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of the hand and then i look at them and take a mental picture-lately i have been taking selfies :) like i said my rituals have changed/evolved over the years. i also go through the if i die this is where the important papers are... i have been having this conversation with my boys for YEARS. when they were little i wanted them to be prepared, and we needed to have a plan, ya know-just incase. this conversation freaks them out a little (LOT). i really do not do this to freak them out - i do it so that i know they have tools and well, we have a plan.
this trip i'm going on caused me to update my important papers and have... the TALK. my boys humor me while they are visually uncomfortable. we talk about what to do with stuff and it usually ends with one or both of them say -this is dumb your not going to die. to be honest, i'm totally okay with the conversation ending like this, it works, ya know :)
one of the driving forces of me going on an epic adventure like this one is-life is precious-and short... so i'm going toward the joy, every single chance i get :) rather its eating dessert before the main course or dancing around the house to a new song i just downloaded OR flying around the world with my best friend because-i can!
i'm still struggling with what to put in my back pack (this is my packing ritual lol) but i'm ready to take this giant leap and enjoy every single moment with reckless abandon.
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