finding my flow...

it has been awhile since i've occupied this space. lots has happened and where to begin? i'll begin with right now, and if it feels right go retro. 2017 the word that picked me was/is flow. what does that mean? dictionary.com says "to move along in a stream; circulate."

my world revolves around my tribe. my tribe grew bigger and this one little girl has stressed me out to the point of break outs and has filled me with so much joy the tears fell out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. its funny how you travel on your journey and then a new person enters your life and you wonder how you ever managed without them. i have thought about this with the births of each of my sons, with my grandson and now my granddaughter. i am beyond grateful to have a tribe who gathers to celebrate and rallies in the face of adversity. life is chalk full of triumph and trouble.

when a word finds me (and right now it is flow) i am learning that it wont be easy lol. it means the universe is fixing to teach me a lesson and it is quite possible it will leave a mark. it is no secret i am a control freak-my kids make fun of this quality i possess every chance they get. i'm a dreamer, a thinker, a planner and a doer. i can be so focused to the point of being oblivious to anything else other than what my sights are on. i have been blessed/cursed with the ability to speak my mind and have always thought "just because its my truth doesn't mean it has to be yours." i imagine you are wondering how can flow be so hard? maybe its clear to you  how bumpy this road is going to be... my daily mantra has been a quote by confuctius “The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” for the record i have always identified as the oak, tall, sturdy, rooted... 

my word picked me before the birth of my granddaughter and i now know why. no matter my focus, prepping or execution of plans - life will throw you a curve ball (even if you think you have planned for every possible pitch). so what do you do? cuss  a LOT, and pray and show up and be as present as you can possibly be. when my granddaughter arrived at 23 weeks i decided right then, i will love her and support her for as long as we have her. you see the doctors prepared us-the odds were 50/50... so this meant going with the flow was the only option. after 199 days in the nicu our girl is home. there are still challenges however there is more hope, and more light with every day that passes. 

being the mother of adult children... you also need to "go with the flow." i try real hard to not be the parent that gives my two cents without being asked for said "cash"... i try REAL hard (translation: sometimes i am incapable of keeping my big mouth shut). i am grateful my kids know me and they love me anyway. i am also grateful they learned the importance of boundaries and have no problem setting them with their mother.  when your kids become parents one of the hardest transitions is letting go of the role you played and finding/creating a new job description. i think one of my greatest accomplishments as a parent was influencing my kids to be thoughtful when making decisions and as they travel through their own journey my heart fills with pride when i am able to witness this. i am not at all insinuating mistakes are not made, merely honoring the process. 

flow for me (right now) means relaxing (even if its just my shoulders for a few seconds)-breathing (trying to avoid hyperventilating) -letting go (with one eye open lol). its not perfect, but it is real. today my tribe is good and i will hold this goodness close. and when the wind blows i will try to raise the sail and fight the urge to bust out the oars and start the engine :) 

we've never been fifty before

i am having feelings about this. my older sister is knocking on fifty candles. i'm having more feelings than i ever thought i would. shit. (more like "SHIT!")

i have a confession to make to my sister. i totally took off your birthday week :)

all of my life i have been her sister. all of it. every single day. she had four years, five months and 29 days all by herself -poor thing ;). i love you maude. i'm glad you were fist, even though i didn't always feel that way :)

forty nine things:

1. she taught me how to keep a secret
2. she tried to inspire me to be tidy
3. she told me i was adopted
4. she told me she was adopted
5. she protected me
6. she made fun of me
7. she laughed at me
8. she laughed with me
9. she stuck up for me
10. she always got the cooler stuff (remember that glow in the dark sand thing-yeah mine didn't glow in the dark)
11. she hated when they dressed us alike (i thought it was great)
12. she wouldn't let me love leif garrett OR shaun cassidy
13. she almost always did things before me
14. she taught me not to wear eyeliner in the wet line (i rebelled for a couple of years but eventually took her advice)
15. i was her maid of honer in her fist marriage
16. she was my maid of honer in my second wedding
17. she used to sing to me with a round brush
18. she took me to my first adult doctors appointment
19. she helped me through the awkward teenage years
20. she helped me through heartache and heartbreak 
21. she wished she wore glasses (i HAD to wear glasses)
22. she wished she had braces on her teeth (i HAD to wear braces on my teeth)
23. i threatened her, she better not want to be in a wheelchair EVER
24. she helped me clean the house when dad thought if i'm home SICK from school i might as well do something
25. she normalized things for me growing up
26. she made me an aunt
27. she sent packages in the mail when i made her an aunt
28. she helped me be a new momma over the phone
29. she made things "okay" just by saying "pup, its okay"
30. she never made fun of me when i wanted to be a belly dancer
31. she could always eat hotter food than me-always
32. she could always cook better than me-always
33. she helped me to be braver
34. she sometimes loved when i would say things she was thinking
35. she fed me spiritually when i was starving
36. she used to steal my sweaters and shrink them to fit her
37. she still apologizes to me about the sweater thing
38. she helped me rise above
39. she borrowed me her kids to manny for me in the summer
40. we talked everyday when our dad was diagnosed with cancer
41. we helped each other laugh during really dark days
42. we are still amazed growing up in the same house how we can be so different
43. we always appreciate when we notice the aspects we are exactly the same
44. she made special trips to my house to take care of me
45. she helps me never feel alone
46. she gets why i burn incense in january
47. we got to witness each other being grandmas
48. we were honored to serve and take care of our grandma
49. we have mostly liked being sisters :)

 we have been through lots. i love you maude! happy very last day of 49!!

light my fire

yes, in my head jim morrison was singing "come on baby" when i wrote that subject line :) my life is a mixed tape and yes jim would be singing, probably on both the A and B side.

i have accepted in order to get light, ya have to walk or sit in the dark. walking around in the dark can be a bit dangerous, your just asking for your toes to get stubbed. no matter-growth can some times be uncomfortable and a little (lot) painful.

january i signed up for three online classes, two of which started in january. brene and jane help me live a more balanced life- feeding my need to beat down my inner critic. brene helps me see my truth and jane helps me paint it. both ladies inspire me to live my own dream. my third class coincidentally called fire starter sessions by danielle and this makes my subject line a little bit more than fabulous!  all three of these remarkable ladies talk about perfection and the importance to show yourself some serious self love. its important to take a good hard look at your story, and observe just how your participating in it. are you the victim? the villain? the vixen? the warrior? the hero? who is in the driver seat? are you facing north but wanting to head west?

are you finding joy? more importantly are you experiencing it? do you know what makes you happy? are you doing those things that make you blissfully intoxicated? are you in the dark? do you know where the flashlights are? does your flashlights need fresh batteries? do you just need to be patient and wait for the sun to come up?are you paying attention to what your good at? are you aware of how your actions are rubbing up against others? are you chasing butterflies? how about squirrels?

 and just like that 2016 has one less month to travel through. me being 10 pounds lighter, literally.  asking myself questions... and answering them :)

finding light

and letting it all in.

over the edge...

well, we just crossed over to 2016.

my word for 15 was hope. coming into 2015, i felt a little (a lot) beat up-physically and emotionally. i'm leaving this year a little wiser and a lot more hopeful.

where was my hope you might be wondering??? it was in all the kind words that were given to me. it has been in all the selfless gestures from humans near and far. my hope was wrapped around my wrist :) hope was given to me in boxes and screens. my focus was in search for the things that fill my cup...

what i realized is, my hope was hiding behind the cynical side of myself i never knew existed.

for as long as i can remember i have always wondered "whats wrong with me?' then i started wondering "what is wrong with them?" for the record i still have no idea who "them/they" are. then it shifted. my thought process changed ever so slightly and i realized there is only something wrong if i keep looking for something wrong. now don't get me wrong, i'm ridiculously optimistic but i'm also a realist. things change, and they stay the same. the key is to put down the measuring stick and simply count YOUR blessings and be YOUR best self (even if today you're a wreck).

simply.
this too shall pass.

you can't undo what you did, get caught up in what your gonna do... you can only do what you do :) only control what your doing right now. right now i'm typing words, for myself and who ever else wants to pay attention. i'm sharing what is on my mind, and hopefully influencing in a small way. i'm traveling my own journey, and dancing to the beat of my own drum. singing louder than i "should" and making up the words i don't know. laughing. showing up and being present.

this was the year i realized my happily ever after doesn't resemble what i thought it would. things changed- dreams change. right now, things are good. my ever after is still pretty stink'n happy :) i still worry about my clan-not in a nervous bite your nail kinda way-just a momma kinda of way. i wish for them to always be a little more than "okay" on the not so good days and i pray they hold tight to all of their happy.

2015 from Monybean on Vimeo.

my hope is those who i am lucky enough to meet will leave a little happier :)

what is in store for 2016... light. it only takes one little word.

wrapping up chapter 44

this year has been... i'm not gonna lie, forty four was rough. you know how some years are just easier than others? thats how i'm categorizing this year.

last day of 44... my morning looked like this :)

the entire year looked like this...

Chapter 44 from Monybean on Vimeo.

some highlights:

• kept a secret named Malina and surprised her momma. 
• two of my dearest friends got married (not to each other, to their own prince charming) and started their happily ever after.
• hunted down the "right" color of red shoe
• heard my grandson tell one of his friends "yeah, my mema is an artist".
• gained 15 pounds and loved myself anyway :)
• altered my first book into an art journal
• fell in love with watercolor
• expanded my art supplies
• broke a tooth
• started using reusable sandwich bags
• found a new intention and got back on my yoga mat
• joined a wine club
• spent a few months dropping and breaking stuff (not on purpose)
• currently keeping my mothers day orchids alive
• acquired a new definition of NOT being in control
• made peace with the fact there are many versions of happily ever after
• realizing the difference between hopeless and helpless and breathing through it
• did my very best supporting my loved ones through heartache
• went to a train concert with my niece and TOUCHED my first famous person 

i was recently asked why i blog, and take selfies. my answer, this is my story and the selfies are all about me participating in my story.

what you love

you love who you love.
September one
Chapter ONE

i have always ALWAYS been drawn to the "unlovable"... or what was seen/shown as "unlovable". i realized once i became facebook "friends" with some of my extended family, it isn't just me. the clan from which i come from finds beauty below the surface. looking past the disfigurement or horrific story and seeing the beautiful warrior that lays beneath.

this doesn't mean i don't enjoy snacking on eye-candy, because that would be a huge fib! who doesn't like seeing a beautifully sculpted man with a little bit of dirt in his eyes :) you like what you like, you love what you love-it's really that simple.

when your opinion matters. when you are younger you try to please/piss off the adults around you. its human nature, right? so it becomes difficult to determine what you really like, want, feel, see -whatever, fill in the blank. asking yourself, am i doing this for me or someone one else? don't get me wrong, influence is good, its necessary. but (a big but) its important to stand in your own truth. i'm not sure where i'm going with this or if i have made my point. ????

for a long LONG time i had this indescribable drive to prove "them" wrong. "them" being i don't even know who "them" are... faceless strangers and familiar humans, i guess. when "they" would tell me something or i felt that "they" believed something, it was like -challenge accepted i'm going to prove "them" WRONG. this is a HUGE part of my personal story. approaching life like this can be a little (a lot) dangerous and at the same time... freeing. because i've learned sometimes "they" were right and sometimes "they" were wrong, and i didn't take "their" word for it.

i have always appreciated people who are rough around the edges, the more difficult parts of the story, the less than perfect ending to a tale. equally i appreciate small soft simple moments...  you love what you love. its really that simple.

i love:

• mornings (especially if its rained the night before)
• laughing to the point its hard to breath
• the sound of an acoustic guitar
• putting on brand new socks
• light bulb moments
• finding cash in your pocket that has made it through the laundry cycle
• the feeling of gesso on an altered book
• getting real hugs
• passing the time waiting by making up stories
• the UPS guy bringing packages
• cards in the mail
• making my hair stand up with shampoo, in the shower
• hearing a song 30 years later and knowing all the words
• fresh cotton sheets
• being inspired to try harder
• remembering where you put something
• remembering the name of the "thingamajig"
• the smell of sandalwood
• reusable sandwich bags
• having hard conversations that end in understanding
• good ear buds
• jeggin jeans
• white t-shirts
• black converse sneakers
• a good moisturizer
• new notebooks
• post it notes
• felt tip pens
• candles on cakes
• hanging your feet over the edge of the bridge and watching the water flow
• finding the point
• mason jars
• encouraging people
• NCIS on neflix with my morning coffee
• nurturing an idea into reality
• sharing my time with people i love
• hearing a story that changes/influences you instantly
• working hard
• lazy days
• witnessing growth
• when my boys tell me "thanks mom"
• family nights that involve food and games
• seeing people shine
• witnessing an act of kindness and the moments that happen next
• having a whole entire day with absolutely nothing planned :)

1856 days before i turn FIFTY-five zero- one half of a century!!!

for whatever reason i have been getting over the top excited about turning fifty. this up and coming birthday (29 more shopping days folks) i will turn 45, which means i will have half a decade until i get to put FIFTY candles on my cake (its happening-every last fire hazard!) i used to cringe at birthdays. my twenty fifth birthday i had a bit of a melt down. the whole getting older, considering botox- worried about coloring my hair, worried about gravity, i had crazy head kinda thoughts...  it seems once i crossed the forty line, my view changed in a really rad, celebratory kinda way.

my half a century celebration will have lots of thought put into it- i may or may not have people dress formally, or maybe a themed party. right now i'm just brain storming, putting all the ideas on the table! i know for sure i want to have a 7 day celebration leading up to the big day :)

i haven't made a "list" in some time. i have 1,856 days to complete... fifty things before fifty:

1. plan more than one out of country trip (BALI, Ireland, Brazil, Spain, Greece)
2. attend a art retreat (hopefully in bali)
3. sell blood for my out of country trip (because i forgot to do this when i went to australia)
4. eat cherries right off the tree (i haven't done this since i was a kid)
5. launch pumpkins from a giant sling shot.
6. make and deliver kind bombs
7. 
   
8. participate in the relay for life
9. have a family entry in a color run (and wear tutu's or capes or fairy wings)
10. go to the beach (more than one, and more than once)
11. 
    
12. dust off my big camera and fall in love again
13. start a photo project
14. finish a photo project
15. participate in an art exhibit (the thought of this scares me in a good way)
16. make a art journal out of recycled supplies
17. do something with my back yard
18. read more books and blog about them (for the record i hated book reports when i was a kids lol)
19. 
    
20. find art centers and explore them (this may need to be a list of its own)
21. make/create my own art studio/space
22. start writing a book
23. find a groovy old type writer that works and USE the crap out of it
24. 
    
25. go to flea markets
26. go to farmer markets
27. eat more whole foods
28. try to grow something besides 6' purple flowered weeds
29. ask for a hammock and stand
30. find a kitchen table and chairs that will grow as my family grows :)
31. organize my closets
32. paint another room with color
33. 
    
34. go on more picnic's
35. wear a crown of daisies for my birthday
36. throw a back yard party (with groovy lanterns and sparklers)
37. start a meditation journal
38. create an on line class
39. grow my bangs back out
40. pop popcorn the old fashioned way for movie night
41. 
    
42. become a yogi
43. create a budget
44. start a travel account
45. go on a bike ride with my family
46. date 
47. recycle more
48. shop less
49. make birthday cakes from scratch (at least three)
50.  

i left some blank spaces so i can add to the list when inspiration kisses me :)