finding center

stuck
i get stuck from time to time, usually on a thought or idea. it will swim around in my head until i can make sense of it or make peace with it. i have been lucky enough to have people in my life who will push me out of the mud (sort of speak) or wait for me to find traction.

trust
i've learned to trust my instincts. i used to ignore them when i wasn't arguing with them. i realized later on in life (before my fortieth birthday) this was a dumb move on my part. we're given radar for a reason (i believe the universe wants us to thrive). some cultures say its intuition, others might say it comes from something more divine, either way you should really take notice or pay attention (it saves you in the end, truly).

changing
the mere thought of change causes my heart to race, my hands to shake and my mouth to become dry. i like things to stay as they are. i like knowing the fingernail clippers are in the bathrooms top drawer on the right. i've found solace knowing exactly where to find things. it has taken me a long time to stop fighting change (or rearrange)... okay i still fight it but not nearly as fiercely as i once did! i have envied those people who can be so casual about it all, wishing i carried those characteristics. the funny thing is, i have changed every single day in the most simplest of ways, evolving into the me i see in the mirror today. my "bullheaded" tendency doesn't limit my ability to change my mind... much ;)

knowing
when i was in my twenties i thought i knew far more than i actually did. i spent my thirties working that out. now that i'm in my forties i find relief in knowing i have not a clue :) okay that sounds great but i feel like i'm telling a fib.... i guess "knowing" isn't as important to me these days as "being" is. realizing there isn't black or white, only variations of grey... i guess this is why it was/is so important for me to paint my walls with color :) embracing your version of the truth isn't the only truth.

center
i've changed and stayed the same. i'm more politically correct and less brutally honest (this doesn't mean i'm less honest, i just think more before i speak). i don't share ALL my views or opinions. when i get stuck, i acknowledge it's happening. knowing my first instinct is to fight it, i've learned to breath and relax and try to trust the process. my spirituality has never limited my practice of prayer or meditation. using silence in some sessions, singing or chanting in others. it's not uncommon for me to listen to loud music and just dance it out. more recently i have incorporated my yoga practice into the mix. i even talk with my inner child, and try to look through those eyes... this is where i'm finding my balance, my center. looking at a problem and asking your six year old self "what would YOU do?". keeping it simple, ya know? and if you ask your six year old self the question and the response is "i don't know" well, maybe your not supposed to know the answer today and you should probably go dance and play :)