how do you want to feel?

there i was.
up at five on a saturday.
this means i rested well... (and quite possibly over being jet lagged)

the rain coming down, my mind and heart open. i have been knee deep in the gifts of imperfection part two. i hate being and feeling behind and for this course i am both. i have no guilt or shame in any of this because i was on a life changing adventure with my best friend in a land far far away... OZ.

the first part of this course helped me to find my authentic self-k thats not entirely true-it helped me remember my inner child, in a really beautiful reunion with dancing and singing and tears of happiness. i can't say i talk to her everyday. i can say she is with me everyday-even becoming who i am-again.

while i have been on this journey of finding peace and pieces of me, i was introduced to the idea of desire mapping. i become inspired to ask myself "how do you want to feel?" this is an amazing exercise.

right now.
this very second, i want you to get up and go to the nearest mirror. i want you to look yourself in the eye and ask "how do YOU want to feel?". if you say "i don't know", ponder this and revisit the question. OH and come back and finish reading my babble ;) . if you said you don't know, i can relate. i had to get out my trusty notebook-not the organized notebook that i write in with chronological purposes, but the OTHER notebook that has doodles and random rants and grocery lists and my grandsons drawings. first i started writing down words-randomly-without a whole lot of thought-purging on a blank page. once i was done, i went back and framed the words that really spoke to me. i went back to the mirror and asked the question again. this time i had an idea of what i would say back to my reflection. i wrote on my mirror the answer (in fact its still there). this journey has caused me to realize important things. first-i'm not the worst case (which is good news). i'm not the best case (which means there is room to grow). i'm not judging-merely trying to have an objective view, a reference point.

i'm ready to move forward.

recently i ordered the desire map and i am starting to look at things around me with a new intention. internally i am letting go and cleaning out the closet. i am making room to grow and feeling good through the process. i should mention getting to this place was dark and twisty a lot of the time. lots and lots of doubt and shame. lots of time spent not feeling comfortable in my skin and in a miserable headspace. its all temporary-the good and the bad and i'm choosing to lean into ALL of it.

i am currently in deep thought. pondering my core desire feelings. if you want, we can share :)

Mine:
love
happiness
courage
hope
peace
to live with my whole heart

okay now tell me yours.

being five

i had to make sure he didn't turn into a big kid over night... for the record it sure feels that way. i wrote about him saying Good bye ONE Hello TWO; two days left of being two; very last day of being three and being FIVE.just.like.that. even though there were lots of days in between then and now... it still feels like it happened in a blink.


Five from Monybean on Vimeo.

while he was five he:
began drawing pictures and making up stories.
mastered lower case letters in the alphabet.
started kindergarden.
learned to read (really well).
rides the bus like a boss.
struggled a little socially.
challenged his teacher because he learns new things quickly.
favorite food started out as mexican lasagna but now is pizza.
for a week he decided his favorite cake was "chocolate german" but recently went back to carrot cake.
says "reg-a-ler" but stopped saying "buzzert" (desert).
is still a morning person.
still dances when a song inspires him, only these days he gets embarrassed if he notices someone watching.
his smile changed in a single moment when he lost his first tooth and about a week later he lost the second (which was good because his adult teeth were growing behind them:) ).
worries about things being "right".
has started dreaming at night more vividly and is excited to share what he has dreamt about.
has school friends.
count to six in spanish.
likes to dress up in a suit.
likes his hair to be combed like "robin" (a comb over to the side) rather that "up" (in a mohawk).
likes science projects and math (oh and recess).
had his very first school program.

he still loves super heros and he told me when he grows up he wants to be a "men in black" hehehehehe (of the Will Smith variety). what an incredibly smart and witty boy :) happy birthday maximus!!