Monday, February 16, 2015

why am i up in the middle of the night?

i'm noticing a pattern. every morning about 2 am. i find myself WIDE awake. so i drink some tea and try to hook up with the sandman. i'm on my second cup of "bedtime" yogi tea, still no z's. i listened to this and have been inspired to find "silence". SIDE NOTE: i find myself trying to outrun silence lately. even in the witching hour, i find myself piddling around-with thoughts swimming, rather than just sitting in the silence. no guilt or shame, just a simple truth. noticing without harsh judgement. falling in love with right now. because right now is all you have. so what do i love right now? opening my heart and giving myself space to wonder about life, love, relationships, conflict. my blog has been pretty quiet. my words flow with pen and paper (or paint and markers). so what do i think about at 4 in the morning (because the sandman stood me up)? after i accept my day started earlier than i would like... i think about what i want. i think about the billion things i need to do or want to do. i think about empty nests, and hard days and trials by fire. i think about where i've come from and how i got here. i think about making coffee and giving into the idea i'm not going back to bed. i think about time and how fleeting it is... i think about never backing down from a fight and why that is. i think about being bold and loud and trying to make peace with this side of me. i think about saving man kind. i think about all my little and not so little worries. i think about not having a shred of control... i think about the laugh lines and silver strands. i think about needing to go to the store. i think and think and think...

so why the ramblings? because right now, in this moment, it feels like a good idea to type all this down. i still don't know why i'm up, so i'm leaning into it and just experiencing the quiet and maybe, just maybe i can find stillness in the silence.