online whole heartedness

i've been a little online course taker lately. one of my latest courses is Opera's Lifeclass The Gifts of imperfections with Brene Brown. part one of the course is finishing up this week... what a #fun #intense #invaluable #difficult #enlightening #journey.

my favorite part of this course has been the art work-i have reacquainted myself with my inner picasso (mind you i have always wanted to be a da vinci).

i have went toe to toe with my inner critic and rather than poke her in the eye,

i have given her permission to examine things with lavender colored glasses.

i have accepted-until i loose my mind to old age, i will ALWAYS be analytical. i've embraced my perfectionist side and realized perfectionism has everything to do with fear. taking steps to be brave and courageous... and vulnerable.

reflecting on my story and owning it-really owning it. in doing all of these things i have become reacquainted with my authentic self.

i still have chubby cheeks and a crooked smile. i am remembering how to view the world with my heart and facing it with a fearless spirit.
#olcbrenecourse

Rick Springfield

there are moments in your life that mold and define you. as a kid it can be

• when you ride your bike for the first time without training wheels.
• when you have your first sleep over.
• when you hear the freakin' back story on santa and the tooth fairy.... 

non the less there are magical moments. i remember my first celebrity crush.... i was madly head over heels, thought about him every minute of every day, daydreamed about getting married and having a house and a family together.... this mans face COVERED my bedroom walls. he wrote and sang the first song i ever requested on the radio (for you young folks, you had to use the land line and rotary dial the radio station and request a song. you had to wait and wait and WAIT for the disc jockey to play this favorite song-my how times have changed-in a good way) i loved him for about 3 years and when you are little three years is a long stinkin' time. i still don't forgive my dad all those years ago for not letting me go to his concert with tina and her mom, because he said i was too young.

fast forward 30 years.

i got to see him- live and in person-for the very first time. 

what an amazing moment for lots and lots of different reasons.  i got to morph back into a school girl, who had an irrational crush on an older man, being ridiculously giddy, and nervous and excited. singing and dancing and swooning. it was all that and then some! special thanks to the kimpossible for sharing this most memorable moment with me!!! and to jill who was bad ass and rushed the stage!!!

celebrating 25!!!!!

the year was 1988 it was a leap year that started on a friday.

LA Dodgers won the world series

the redskins won the superbowl

movies you watched in theaters were

rain man

big

twins

beetlejuice

willow

beaches

music on the radio

george michael-Faith

INXS-need you tonight

michael jackson-man in the mirror

terence trent d'arby-wishing well (i still have this cassette)

cheap trick-the flame

guns n' roses-sweet child o' mine

gas was about 91 cents A GALLON!

stamps were 24 cents (people actually mailed EVERYTHING)

george bush (the dad) was elected president of the united states after serving under ronald reagun as vice president...

twenty FIVE years ago my world was flipped upside down and turned on its axis, in the very best possible way. he arrived at 2:10 am, measured at 20 inches, weighting in at nearly 10lbs (he was early) my oldest son was born.

• my boy who was crawling before he was six months and walking by eight months.
• my boy who at four took apart the kitchen chairs in under five minutes. 
• my boy who at thirteen (after reading the manual) could diagnose and fix a dirt bike like a professional.
• my boy who wrenched on his first truck and had it running like new at fifteen.
• my boy who at nineteen bought a faster car, and tested its limits...
• my boy who has passed down to his boy the love of machines :)

this is a big BIG birthday. a quarter of a freakin' century. twenty FIVE trips around the sun. love leaks out my eyeballs and runs down my cheeks. i love you and wish you a happy HAPPY day!!!

settling into grey

a year ago i made a decision to stop covering my grey. i struggled with the thought of not EVER coloring it again so i committed to one year. for now, i am keeping it... trying to get comfortable with the white strands that mingle in the dark. i never would have guessed such a simple choice could influence me so profoundly. becoming more realistic. settling into my roots and with that finding my wings. unmasking and leaning into moments...

42 has been the year of getting comfortable with the changes that are inevitable- filling the quiet hope that resonates in my heart. my dad was right, being in your forties is WAY better than being in my thirties :) i spent the year with my tribe. my cup is full. my heart bursting with gratitude.


42nd Chapter from Monybean on Vimeo.

i have a feeling 43 will be the chapter of the quest... strategizing a trip to australia with my side kick the kimpossible. i am beyond excited. my mantra has been "guilty pleasures without the guilt." enjoying the moments because who knows how long it will last...

today i am simply enjoying the very last day of 42.

my pursuit IN happiness

2013 has been a process of simplifying. attempting to silence the noise that goes on (and ON) between my ears. when i first set my "word project" in motion i had visions of organization, with things color coded and alphabetized in cute baskets... if you're organized (in a less than diagnosable OCD kinda way) things can be simple, right?! the calendar says we are cruising through july and although i am moving into the direction of simplicity, it has NOTHING to do with organization. i laugh because i'm learning to simply relax and allow the process to unfold... for a control freak like me its painful-in a bigger than a headache more like loosing a limb sorta way.

for 42 years and 9 months i have lived with my family. for the very first time in my entire life i have ALL the space to myself. in this 'new' space i'm relearning the basics - shopping, cooking and cleaning are a whole new experience. when you're accustomed to feeding hearty appetites with opinions of whats for dinner you find yourself without direction or the strangeness of cleaning the house and it staying that way minus the dog hair julius leaves everywhere. my sons check on their momma regularly, giving me a whole new appreciation for the close knit family i've created.

"extra" time... more uncharted territory. for now, i practice relaxation and in those moments contemplate the next chapter of my story. during this stillness i've noticed the noise-the weird pressure i attempt to put myself under. thoughts of "what you REALLY should be doing right now is ___________" (fill in the blank) ---- causing unnecessary anxiety. so, for now the goal is to silence the noise. leaning into this very moment, as i am both mourning the end of a chapter and excitedly/affectionately/nervously approach the beginning of a new. choosing to be present. having no agenda during this time of simple pleasures.

2013 vision board

the year was 1991

songs you heard on the radio:
bryan adams - everything i do (i do for you).
extreme - more than words.
damn yankees - high enough.
marky mark and the funky bunch - good vibrations.
nirvana - smells like teen spirit.

michael jordan was playing ball with the chicago bulls (nba champs and mvp).
bo jackson injured his hip, ending his football career.
minnesota twins beat the atlanta braves in the world series.
new york giants beat the buffalo bills in the superbowl (whitney houston sang the star-spangled banner).
brian bosworth became a movie star.

columbia space shuttle went 3.8 million miles in 9 days with the spacelab life science mission.
the first of the u.s. troops arrive home from the gulf war.

movies included:
city slickers.
don't tell mom the babysitter is dead.
terminator 2: judgement day.
silence of the lambs.
beauty and the beast.
robin hood: prince of thieves.

on this day in 1991 Caz David was born (weighting in at 9 lbs and measuring at 21").
today he stands 6'3 and weights around 190.
while he was twenty one:

• went to his first color festival
• seen lmfao in concert
• went to his first jazz game
• watched some of his friends get married
• bought lifesabers
• informed me, you can't buy more than 50 things at a time on amazon.com
• got back into paint balling
• started working with an airbrush
• continued to have bbq's and movie nights
• started seriously looking at buying a new car
• dressed up like a monkey for halloween
• hit a sponge bob pineta
• took his nephew to get hair cuts
• ordered his nephew mario brothers for the wii

its hard to believe my youngest son is now twenty two. happy birthday son. wishing you a happy happy day!!

F I V E. just. like. that.

when he was FOUR from Monyka Landry on Vimeo.

remember when you were four?

• this was the year of preschool, mastering uppercase and learning lower case letters in the alphabet.
• the year you learned how to add and subtract.
• the year you began loosing your speech impediments (no more "snow boobs" translation snow boots). 
• this was the first year you wished to be older, only because you want to loose a tooth - you decided five was the magical year for this :). 
• this was the year you started drawing and telling stories.
• the year you wanted to know how to spell words.
• the year you started talking with your hands :). 
• the year you watched "the radio" (translation youtube) on your ipod. you started out watching "peanut butter jelly time" and moved on to mario brothers. spending HOURS watching people playing this game. 
• this was also the year you started calling your daddy luigi because you were now mario. then changed your mind and started calling your daddy mario so you could be luigi.
• this was the year you went hunting with your daddy and pepa. the year you seen the brains of the elk that was shot and you thought it was GROSS. that was the adventure you were on when your ipod got ran over and you were heart broken. you refused to throw away the broken piece of technology. 
• this was the year you told me your pepa has "nice bees, not like those yellow shirts". 
• this was the year you preferred to run rather than walk. 
• the year you had STRONG opinions... 
• the year you wanted to always be "right". 
• the year you started arguing... 
• this was the year you learned the difference beween "kidding" and "fibbing".
• the year you started asking more questions about santa and the easter bunny. you asked me just the other day if i had ever seen the tooth fairy.
• this was the year you started saying "no, seriously". 
• the year you asked to have catsup on most EVERYTHING. 
• the year you were able to buckle your own seat belt. 
• the year you discovered "face time". 
• the year you wanted to eat your cereal with a BIG spoon. 
• the year you sat on the heater vent with a blanket. 
• the year you wondered if you looked cool. 
• the year you found a favorite song and memorized the lyrics.
• this was the year of mastering tongue rolls and fish lips.
• the year you started to flare your nostrils.
• this was the year your daddy was worried about cupcakes-because bringing cup cakes to your class room is a big deal when your a kid.

today

i watched this about a year ago when i signed up for a self love e-course. i became a fan of brene brown right then and there. so i liked her facebook page and from time to time inspiration will pop up on my "news feed". today i'm reading "The Gift of Imperfection", taking notes in my notebook and writing quotes on post it's...

this self examination started in february 2010. i bought a used camera and began seeing my world through a lens. i created a blog and made a video. 365 days of my life recorded-i danced as though no one was looking. watching the video is like rereading my journal but to tom petty which is so much more cooler lol.

i've been looking at me- evaluating, taking inventory...

i'm trying it again, this time attempting to see me in different perspectives, through other peoples eyes. i've went so far as to ask three different coworkers a question. i wasn't sure i was ready to hear the answers, and to be honest i was a little (lot) scared.

"what behavior's do i exhibit when i'm uncertain?"

• the first person said "mon shut the door. whats going on?" after a short conversation he answered "you get flighty and then you organize".
• the second person said "you are usually very logical but when your uncertain you become more emotionally driven."
• the third person said "you become more withdrawn."

i took all of their answers seriously. i continue my journey of being me, attempting to live a life with my whole heart.

trying

holy crap where did february go? its a little month i know, but hell! i have debated all week wether or not to put its picture on a milk carton.

i am trying to catch up, keep up, hold up, chin up (breathe monyka and remember your freakin' word). my word sucks by the way and to say i'm struggling with it would be an understatement. i am really trying but find myself kicking and screaming and stomping my feet when i'm not digging in my heels... no judgement alright, i'm being honest here.  its a work in progress. simply complicating ANYTHING out of NOTHING is a talent i possess!

so where to go from here? i will continue to try. taking inventory of the changes i have made, and looking myself in the eye and saying "what you are doing is enough." maybe i should try to stand on my head again, in the spirit of changing my perspective (not gonna lie, i'm a little scared though).

below is a list of things i've noticed.
i have simply:

• NOT bought paper towels for almost a year.
• spent at least 15 minutes daily on the mat.
• went to vegas.
• seen p!nk.
• set a goal to see 13 shows in 2013 (dave matthews is on the list).
• danced in my bedroom while playing my air drums and guitar.
• stood on one foot, patted my head and rubbed my belly to see if i still could.
• found myself watching and listening to 80's movies and music.
• taken daily self portraits and journaled.
• continued to go grey (this is harder than it sounds)
• wondered when i will clear out my closets lol
• looked fear straight it the eye, dropped the eff-bomb, then pushed through it.
• stopped trying so hard :)

considering we are in the third month (with a missing one in the middle) not too shabby.

I just remind myself about the nike campaign of "just do it."

i loved this commercial!

finding center

stuck
i get stuck from time to time, usually on a thought or idea. it will swim around in my head until i can make sense of it or make peace with it. i have been lucky enough to have people in my life who will push me out of the mud (sort of speak) or wait for me to find traction.

trust
i've learned to trust my instincts. i used to ignore them when i wasn't arguing with them. i realized later on in life (before my fortieth birthday) this was a dumb move on my part. we're given radar for a reason (i believe the universe wants us to thrive). some cultures say its intuition, others might say it comes from something more divine, either way you should really take notice or pay attention (it saves you in the end, truly).

changing
the mere thought of change causes my heart to race, my hands to shake and my mouth to become dry. i like things to stay as they are. i like knowing the fingernail clippers are in the bathrooms top drawer on the right. i've found solace knowing exactly where to find things. it has taken me a long time to stop fighting change (or rearrange)... okay i still fight it but not nearly as fiercely as i once did! i have envied those people who can be so casual about it all, wishing i carried those characteristics. the funny thing is, i have changed every single day in the most simplest of ways, evolving into the me i see in the mirror today. my "bullheaded" tendency doesn't limit my ability to change my mind... much ;)

knowing
when i was in my twenties i thought i knew far more than i actually did. i spent my thirties working that out. now that i'm in my forties i find relief in knowing i have not a clue :) okay that sounds great but i feel like i'm telling a fib.... i guess "knowing" isn't as important to me these days as "being" is. realizing there isn't black or white, only variations of grey... i guess this is why it was/is so important for me to paint my walls with color :) embracing your version of the truth isn't the only truth.

center
i've changed and stayed the same. i'm more politically correct and less brutally honest (this doesn't mean i'm less honest, i just think more before i speak). i don't share ALL my views or opinions. when i get stuck, i acknowledge it's happening. knowing my first instinct is to fight it, i've learned to breath and relax and try to trust the process. my spirituality has never limited my practice of prayer or meditation. using silence in some sessions, singing or chanting in others. it's not uncommon for me to listen to loud music and just dance it out. more recently i have incorporated my yoga practice into the mix. i even talk with my inner child, and try to look through those eyes... this is where i'm finding my balance, my center. looking at a problem and asking your six year old self "what would YOU do?". keeping it simple, ya know? and if you ask your six year old self the question and the response is "i don't know" well, maybe your not supposed to know the answer today and you should probably go dance and play :)

42 in 2013

2013 brought to you by the word simplify.

i've focused on this word for over THIRTY days (so far) and have realized things i'm not entirely proud of. for one, i complicate the crap out of all sorts of things on a continual basis. i've also become aware of my desensitized view to chaos. for now i'm just noticing/becoming aware... taking things slow helps the anxiety i get when it comes to change. my daily mantra continues to be "relax breathe surrender." finding success not so much on completion of a task but the day to day findings along the journey. for now, this is enough.

i say out loud to myself in the mirror "uncomplicated". i roll my eyes at my reflection and walk away usually shaking my head. here is the deal, i am testing the theory of the power of suggestion on myself. i do this with other people on a regular basis so i figured i would try it on me and see what happens lol. my humble attempts to changing my mind ;)

i started a 365 project of ME. i have been keeping this simple. mostly using my iphone. and writing daily in my journal. spending little time on this daily project in the spirit of uncomplicated. i am wanting to embrace the growing older thing, the whole reason really for this project. to capture a year as it happens. i haven't colored my hair since last august. its interesting because people say to me "your too young to be grey" and i just smile (my first grey hair was yanked out of my head at age 23 by my older sister). i think i'm just the right age to be grey, since its real and its happening. my boys are on either side of the fence with this subject. i have one son who wants nothing more than for me to buy a box of color and cover it up. my other son tells me he thinks its cool i'm not coloring anymore. i appreciate their input but my decision on this subject has nothing to do with anyone really, but me.

this is my "i wanna accomplish list" for 2013:

1. finish NOWYOU: 52 of you
2. complete another 5K
3. make more salads in a jar
4. clear out space
5. organize my closets
6. take more walks in the park
7. cut my hair
8. embrace grey (or at least go 12 months without color and re-evaluate)
9. continue my yoga journey
10. journal more
11. complete my wreck this journal
12. take more pictures
13. print more pictures
14. hand write and snail mail letters
15. make a budget
16. stick to a budget
17. walk on the beach
18. get a massage
19. paint my nails
20. go sledding
21. meet and photograph strangers
22. plan an out of country trip
23. make and deliver kind bombs
24. paint another room with color
25. read a book
26. buy less - recycle more
27. make play dough
28. make a birthday cake
29. list random facts
30. smile
31. make homemade soup
32. make homemade bread
33. fly a kite
34. plant flowers
35. hula hoop in random places
36. be more silly and less serious
37. be brave
38. travel when i can
39. complete a 365
40. make (and wear) a crown of daisies
41. fill frames i have bought and saved
42. get my guitar out and start playing again

stopping and starting

why i do what i do and why i stopped. most important, why i'm starting again.

i have been writing in notebooks for more years than i haven't. i have filled pages with history, fears, dreams, stories, day to day ramblings. i have lost or burned journals over the years. in 2010 i wanted to find all the notebooks i had stashed through out my house. it scared me to have my thoughts collected in one place. i write to remember, to process, to share secrets with no one in particular. i write so i don't wear out my friends or family with my perseverating thoughts. in 2012 i worked on embracing moments. not running away from them. not overlooking them. not missing them. just trying to experience them. while i was embracing i got lost. lost in my own mind. thoughts were lost. ideas squelched. inspiration over looked. i was busy just trying to keep up with the many moments that happened. what i learned, you can't love every moment. no matter how hard you strive for it. i also learned its okay and who really cares anyway. i got lost in just being in the moments-good/bad/ugly. then i found myself more vulnerable than i have ever been. my voice felt as though it had no substance.  i didn't write/photograph/express... i also found beauty in all of this. i didn't hide or make excuses. i went with the waves of the universe. i appreciated the year. having gratitude for the many highs and lows day to day life gave me. funny that i didn't record all of this. not funny ha ha just funny strange. i started dozens of descriptions of 2012 events but finished only a handful. i guess this was my own private journey. that is why i stopped. it wasn't planned. its just the way the year unfolded.

the new year has began. day three. my life is still busy and stressful. i have more on my plate than i would like. so i decided 2013 will be about simplifying. to make simpler or easier to do or understand. to make uncomplicated. my goal is to make room for amazing new things. i've started several new projects. i'm not ready to share them just yet, but i will soon i promise. i have been compiling a list of things i want to accomplish. for now i just want to wish my friends and family warm wishes of love and peace. may you all have just enough.