wrapping up chapter 44

this year has been... i'm not gonna lie, forty four was rough. you know how some years are just easier than others? thats how i'm categorizing this year.

last day of 44... my morning looked like this :)

the entire year looked like this...

Chapter 44 from Monybean on Vimeo.

some highlights:

• kept a secret named Malina and surprised her momma. 
• two of my dearest friends got married (not to each other, to their own prince charming) and started their happily ever after.
• hunted down the "right" color of red shoe
• heard my grandson tell one of his friends "yeah, my mema is an artist".
• gained 15 pounds and loved myself anyway :)
• altered my first book into an art journal
• fell in love with watercolor
• expanded my art supplies
• broke a tooth
• started using reusable sandwich bags
• found a new intention and got back on my yoga mat
• joined a wine club
• spent a few months dropping and breaking stuff (not on purpose)
• currently keeping my mothers day orchids alive
• acquired a new definition of NOT being in control
• made peace with the fact there are many versions of happily ever after
• realizing the difference between hopeless and helpless and breathing through it
• did my very best supporting my loved ones through heartache
• went to a train concert with my niece and TOUCHED my first famous person 

i was recently asked why i blog, and take selfies. my answer, this is my story and the selfies are all about me participating in my story.

what you love

you love who you love.
September one
Chapter ONE

i have always ALWAYS been drawn to the "unlovable"... or what was seen/shown as "unlovable". i realized once i became facebook "friends" with some of my extended family, it isn't just me. the clan from which i come from finds beauty below the surface. looking past the disfigurement or horrific story and seeing the beautiful warrior that lays beneath.

this doesn't mean i don't enjoy snacking on eye-candy, because that would be a huge fib! who doesn't like seeing a beautifully sculpted man with a little bit of dirt in his eyes :) you like what you like, you love what you love-it's really that simple.

when your opinion matters. when you are younger you try to please/piss off the adults around you. its human nature, right? so it becomes difficult to determine what you really like, want, feel, see -whatever, fill in the blank. asking yourself, am i doing this for me or someone one else? don't get me wrong, influence is good, its necessary. but (a big but) its important to stand in your own truth. i'm not sure where i'm going with this or if i have made my point. ????

for a long LONG time i had this indescribable drive to prove "them" wrong. "them" being i don't even know who "them" are... faceless strangers and familiar humans, i guess. when "they" would tell me something or i felt that "they" believed something, it was like -challenge accepted i'm going to prove "them" WRONG. this is a HUGE part of my personal story. approaching life like this can be a little (a lot) dangerous and at the same time... freeing. because i've learned sometimes "they" were right and sometimes "they" were wrong, and i didn't take "their" word for it.

i have always appreciated people who are rough around the edges, the more difficult parts of the story, the less than perfect ending to a tale. equally i appreciate small soft simple moments...  you love what you love. its really that simple.

i love:

• mornings (especially if its rained the night before)
• laughing to the point its hard to breath
• the sound of an acoustic guitar
• putting on brand new socks
• light bulb moments
• finding cash in your pocket that has made it through the laundry cycle
• the feeling of gesso on an altered book
• getting real hugs
• passing the time waiting by making up stories
• the UPS guy bringing packages
• cards in the mail
• making my hair stand up with shampoo, in the shower
• hearing a song 30 years later and knowing all the words
• fresh cotton sheets
• being inspired to try harder
• remembering where you put something
• remembering the name of the "thingamajig"
• the smell of sandalwood
• reusable sandwich bags
• having hard conversations that end in understanding
• good ear buds
• jeggin jeans
• white t-shirts
• black converse sneakers
• a good moisturizer
• new notebooks
• post it notes
• felt tip pens
• candles on cakes
• hanging your feet over the edge of the bridge and watching the water flow
• finding the point
• mason jars
• encouraging people
• NCIS on neflix with my morning coffee
• nurturing an idea into reality
• sharing my time with people i love
• hearing a story that changes/influences you instantly
• working hard
• lazy days
• witnessing growth
• when my boys tell me "thanks mom"
• family nights that involve food and games
• seeing people shine
• witnessing an act of kindness and the moments that happen next
• having a whole entire day with absolutely nothing planned :)

1856 days before i turn FIFTY-five zero- one half of a century!!!

for whatever reason i have been getting over the top excited about turning fifty. this up and coming birthday (29 more shopping days folks) i will turn 45, which means i will have half a decade until i get to put FIFTY candles on my cake (its happening-every last fire hazard!) i used to cringe at birthdays. my twenty fifth birthday i had a bit of a melt down. the whole getting older, considering botox- worried about coloring my hair, worried about gravity, i had crazy head kinda thoughts...  it seems once i crossed the forty line, my view changed in a really rad, celebratory kinda way.

my half a century celebration will have lots of thought put into it- i may or may not have people dress formally, or maybe a themed party. right now i'm just brain storming, putting all the ideas on the table! i know for sure i want to have a 7 day celebration leading up to the big day :)

i haven't made a "list" in some time. i have 1,856 days to complete... fifty things before fifty:

1. plan more than one out of country trip (BALI, Ireland, Brazil, Spain, Greece)
2. attend a art retreat (hopefully in bali)
3. sell blood for my out of country trip (because i forgot to do this when i went to australia)
4. eat cherries right off the tree (i haven't done this since i was a kid)
5. launch pumpkins from a giant sling shot.
6. make and deliver kind bombs
7. 
   
8. participate in the relay for life
9. have a family entry in a color run (and wear tutu's or capes or fairy wings)
10. go to the beach (more than one, and more than once)
11. 
    
12. dust off my big camera and fall in love again
13. start a photo project
14. finish a photo project
15. participate in an art exhibit (the thought of this scares me in a good way)
16. make a art journal out of recycled supplies
17. do something with my back yard
18. read more books and blog about them (for the record i hated book reports when i was a kids lol)
19. 
    
20. find art centers and explore them (this may need to be a list of its own)
21. make/create my own art studio/space
22. start writing a book
23. find a groovy old type writer that works and USE the crap out of it
24. 
    
25. go to flea markets
26. go to farmer markets
27. eat more whole foods
28. try to grow something besides 6' purple flowered weeds
29. ask for a hammock and stand
30. find a kitchen table and chairs that will grow as my family grows :)
31. organize my closets
32. paint another room with color
33. 
    
34. go on more picnic's
35. wear a crown of daisies for my birthday
36. throw a back yard party (with groovy lanterns and sparklers)
37. start a meditation journal
38. create an on line class
39. grow my bangs back out
40. pop popcorn the old fashioned way for movie night
41. 
    
42. become a yogi
43. create a budget
44. start a travel account
45. go on a bike ride with my family
46. date 
47. recycle more
48. shop less
49. make birthday cakes from scratch (at least three)
50.  

i left some blank spaces so i can add to the list when inspiration kisses me :)

i miss you daddy, happy fathers day

when i was a kid, my dad would tell me "Pup, we are not like other families." i used to think, "yeah, so." i guess there were times i wanted to have a regular family, but i never really dwelled on that thought for too long. mostly i didn't really care about that. my family situation was what it was, and i had better things to do than worry about the average family dynamics. when i became a parent i realized he was confessing to me a feeling of inadequacy... when you become a mom/dad your world turns on its side, and you view everything a new. so i didn't have a normal childhood. fast forward forty years i can see clearly.... who the hell does? parents just do the best that they can. i have listened to people over the years making statements like "man, if i could go back i would..." yeah, i've never really been that person. first off i would never want to rewind and go back. i like right now, just fine :) and here is the deal, i couldn't be here right now if back then was different.

we all have lessons we need to learn and grow from... do you ever wonder why you find yourself in the same situation with different scenery? maybe its because you still haven't learned that particular lesson. its not bad or good, it just is.

my father taught me many things. there are many instances i wish i could talk to him again and have a conversation... i didn't always agree with my dad, and i never had to apologize for that. i am grateful and i miss him.

the universe will give and take away gifts (everything is temporary). even though i lost my father, i was given a son who looks and acts a lot like him :)

on fathers day my heart aches. most everyday i am an adult, but there are some days i am just a little girl who misses her pappy. today i'm grateful i had a father for as long as i did, because i know there are people out there who didn't. i am grateful for my family dynamics no matter how a like or not they were to other families. i am grateful for my fathers no nonsense approach and how hard he was on me, because i developed a strong back bone that has enabled me to speak my truth. i am grateful i was able to be strong for him when he was battling cancer.

i miss you daddy, happy fathers day.

why am i up in the middle of the night?

i'm noticing a pattern. every morning about 2 am. i find myself WIDE awake. so i drink some tea and try to hook up with the sandman. i'm on my second cup of "bedtime" yogi tea, still no z's. i listened to this and have been inspired to find "silence". SIDE NOTE: i find myself trying to outrun silence lately. even in the witching hour, i find myself piddling around-with thoughts swimming, rather than just sitting in the silence. no guilt or shame, just a simple truth. noticing without harsh judgement. falling in love with right now. because right now is all you have. so what do i love right now? opening my heart and giving myself space to wonder about life, love, relationships, conflict. my blog has been pretty quiet. my words flow with pen and paper (or paint and markers). so what do i think about at 4 in the morning (because the sandman stood me up)? after i accept my day started earlier than i would like... i think about what i want. i think about the billion things i need to do or want to do. i think about empty nests, and hard days and trials by fire. i think about where i've come from and how i got here. i think about making coffee and giving into the idea i'm not going back to bed. i think about time and how fleeting it is... i think about never backing down from a fight and why that is. i think about being bold and loud and trying to make peace with this side of me. i think about saving man kind. i think about all my little and not so little worries. i think about not having a shred of control... i think about the laugh lines and silver strands. i think about needing to go to the store. i think and think and think...

so why the ramblings? because right now, in this moment, it feels like a good idea to type all this down. i still don't know why i'm up, so i'm leaning into it and just experiencing the quiet and maybe, just maybe i can find stillness in the silence.

daring 2014 hope for 2015

i usually start my year end blog around october... taking inventory and measuring the results. i dared not to this, this year. i road out 2014 until about 9:30 pm on 31DEC14 (yes i went to bed early) before looking back.

my four letter word for the year was DARE

so what was so daring about 2014, you might ask... i dared to dream BIG. i dared to be over the top excited about an adventure. i dared to get on an air plane and fly across an ocean for more than 10 hours, with the knowledge that these days you can LOSE a freakin' plane. i dared to travel to a place where they are known for deadly animals, insects, snakes, fish and CAMP in a TENT! i dared to walk the streets of a huge city without having any idea if we were in a good/shady part of town. i dared to close my eyes and open my heart and just be present. i dared to dance like no one was watching - surrounded by thousands of people. i dared to ask complete strangers if i could drive their boat (catamaran). I also dared to look the envious passengers in the eye and think to my self loudly "yup i'm driving this ship" :) i dared to swim with tropical fish and hold a blue star fish. i dared to add to my "title" - World Traveler! i dared to light 44 candles in my house and wish as i blew them out. i dared to enter my dark and twisty time giving myself permission to feel ALL my feelings for as long as it takes.

2014 from Monybean on Vimeo.

i've learned to say without panic or heart palpitations "i'm middle aged". I have also learned that middle age is a lot like going through puberty again. your body is doing strange things and your hormones are a bit erratic and you grow hair where you have no idea of any good reason to have hair there! speaking of hair, i've learned it is a curious thing to become more salt than pepper.

over all it was a good year. except for one thing... i have misplaced my hope. i can not really pin point when this happened exactly. its like one day i noticed i didn't  have very much and before i knew it, it was gone. (deep breathe) i usually psychoanalyze the reason to death, but i find myself realizing this is the ebb and flow of life - kind of a high tide low tide type of view. i've made a conscious decision to not look for the reason why, but accept this to be and move on to finding it again.

my word for 2015, you guessed it HOPE. there are many definitions for hope, but my favorite is : to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence. i think i'm off to a dashingly good start ;)

on this day thirteen years ago i said good bye to my dad. i said lots of things to him that day... saying good bye was the beginning of the hardest things i've had to do. i miss him regularly. i miss him calling me and reminding me we hadn't spoken in a while - this was usually in some cartoon voice :). i miss him the most around my (our) birthday. i miss him telling people my favorite cake was chocolate even though my favorite cake has never been chocolate... HIS favorite cake was chocolate. i miss us arguing about the meaning of life. i miss his influence and his brutal honesty. i miss his laugh and the way he would light up a room just by entering it. i miss his dumbfounded look when i would say something smart. i even miss when he would embarrass me in public on purpose.

thirteen years ago my oldest was thirteen. my dad has been gone half of his life... lots has happened in these thirteen years. i survived being a single parent to two teenage boys and watched them grow up into men right before my eyes. i witnessed the birth of my grandson, and just like that became a grandma. i helped take care of my granny b until her very last heart beat... i've still been learning how to live in the world without them in it. seriously, thirteen years doesn't seem that long ago...