you get at least one good wish a year. usually over a candle on your birthday cake. since i've entered my forties i have made it a point to have ALL the candles on my cake. i used to dread them... cringe even. these days i appreciate every little flame and it makes that wish a little more, i don't know, awesome.
i make wishes regularly... holding my breath, closing my eyes and saying my wish so loudly in my head. wishing. hoping. praying.
chapter 46
i entered this chapter with physical head-splitting, arms-legs-feet-hand-numbing, can hardly connect thoughts together-pain. i took my grin and bare it attitude to a whole new level. i had a ACDF (anterior cervical discectomy and fusion) in my neck. when i woke up from my alphabet soup surgery i first wiggled my toes because my biggest fear was paralysis-toes wiggled. then i opened my eyes. my first words were "THANK GOD." the pain was gone. i had new pain because of the procedure, but the old pain-gone. just like that i felt like myself and i knew the pain i was currently experiencing was temporary. my surgeon warned me the torn ligaments would take more time to heal but that pain-deep internal pain-gone.
now i could focus on healing, and focus on my growing family. my granddaughter decided to come into the world a lot early. pain happened again, emotional pain and worry. you know what? i also had hope, pure-honest-undiluted hope. every night i find sleep wishing-hoping-praying for her, for her parents, for her uncle and cousin. i wake up grateful, knowing all those wishful-hopeful-prayers are heard and answered.
this chapter has been, good. with all that has happened, its good. every blessing counted. every miracle bringing me to my knees with gratitude. trying to take nothing for granted.
Chapter 46 from Monybean on Vimeo.
2016 my word was light. light found me, especially when it was dark and twisty. i learned the light didn't aways shine through-i had to look for it-wait for it-believe it was there.
2017 is flow and the controlling side of me is still struggling. its okay. struggle sucks, i'm far from graceful with it, but its okay. its all part of the process, right?
my wish for my next chapter.... i can't tell you that! your not supposed to tell people your wishes ;)
well, happy last day of 46 to me :)
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
Saturday, August 5, 2017
finding my flow...
it has been awhile since i've occupied this space. lots has happened and where to begin? i'll begin with right now, and if it feels right go retro. 2017 the word that picked me was/is flow. what does that mean? dictionary.com says "to move along in a stream; circulate."
my world revolves around my tribe. my tribe grew bigger and this one little girl has stressed me out to the point of break outs and has filled me with so much joy the tears fell out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. its funny how you travel on your journey and then a new person enters your life and you wonder how you ever managed without them. i have thought about this with the births of each of my sons, with my grandson and now my granddaughter. i am beyond grateful to have a tribe who gathers to celebrate and rallies in the face of adversity. life is chalk full of triumph and trouble.
when a word finds me (and right now it is flow) i am learning that it wont be easy lol. it means the universe is fixing to teach me a lesson and it is quite possible it will leave a mark. it is no secret i am a control freak-my kids make fun of this quality i possess every chance they get. i'm a dreamer, a thinker, a planner and a doer. i can be so focused to the point of being oblivious to anything else other than what my sights are on. i have been blessed/cursed with the ability to speak my mind and have always thought "just because its my truth doesn't mean it has to be yours." i imagine you are wondering how can flow be so hard? maybe its clear to you how bumpy this road is going to be... my daily mantra has been a quote by confuctius “The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” for the record i have always identified as the oak, tall, sturdy, rooted...
my word picked me before the birth of my granddaughter and i now know why. no matter my focus, prepping or execution of plans - life will throw you a curve ball (even if you think you have planned for every possible pitch). so what do you do? cuss a LOT, and pray and show up and be as present as you can possibly be. when my granddaughter arrived at 23 weeks i decided right then, i will love her and support her for as long as we have her. you see the doctors prepared us-the odds were 50/50... so this meant going with the flow was the only option. after 199 days in the nicu our girl is home. there are still challenges however there is more hope, and more light with every day that passes.
being the mother of adult children... you also need to "go with the flow." i try real hard to not be the parent that gives my two cents without being asked for said "cash"... i try REAL hard (translation: sometimes i am incapable of keeping my big mouth shut). i am grateful my kids know me and they love me anyway. i am also grateful they learned the importance of boundaries and have no problem setting them with their mother. when your kids become parents one of the hardest transitions is letting go of the role you played and finding/creating a new job description. i think one of my greatest accomplishments as a parent was influencing my kids to be thoughtful when making decisions and as they travel through their own journey my heart fills with pride when i am able to witness this. i am not at all insinuating mistakes are not made, merely honoring the process.
flow for me (right now) means relaxing (even if its just my shoulders for a few seconds)-breathing (trying to avoid hyperventilating) -letting go (with one eye open lol). its not perfect, but it is real. today my tribe is good and i will hold this goodness close. and when the wind blows i will try to raise the sail and fight the urge to bust out the oars and start the engine :)
my world revolves around my tribe. my tribe grew bigger and this one little girl has stressed me out to the point of break outs and has filled me with so much joy the tears fell out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. its funny how you travel on your journey and then a new person enters your life and you wonder how you ever managed without them. i have thought about this with the births of each of my sons, with my grandson and now my granddaughter. i am beyond grateful to have a tribe who gathers to celebrate and rallies in the face of adversity. life is chalk full of triumph and trouble.
when a word finds me (and right now it is flow) i am learning that it wont be easy lol. it means the universe is fixing to teach me a lesson and it is quite possible it will leave a mark. it is no secret i am a control freak-my kids make fun of this quality i possess every chance they get. i'm a dreamer, a thinker, a planner and a doer. i can be so focused to the point of being oblivious to anything else other than what my sights are on. i have been blessed/cursed with the ability to speak my mind and have always thought "just because its my truth doesn't mean it has to be yours." i imagine you are wondering how can flow be so hard? maybe its clear to you how bumpy this road is going to be... my daily mantra has been a quote by confuctius “The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm.” for the record i have always identified as the oak, tall, sturdy, rooted...
my word picked me before the birth of my granddaughter and i now know why. no matter my focus, prepping or execution of plans - life will throw you a curve ball (even if you think you have planned for every possible pitch). so what do you do? cuss a LOT, and pray and show up and be as present as you can possibly be. when my granddaughter arrived at 23 weeks i decided right then, i will love her and support her for as long as we have her. you see the doctors prepared us-the odds were 50/50... so this meant going with the flow was the only option. after 199 days in the nicu our girl is home. there are still challenges however there is more hope, and more light with every day that passes. being the mother of adult children... you also need to "go with the flow." i try real hard to not be the parent that gives my two cents without being asked for said "cash"... i try REAL hard (translation: sometimes i am incapable of keeping my big mouth shut). i am grateful my kids know me and they love me anyway. i am also grateful they learned the importance of boundaries and have no problem setting them with their mother. when your kids become parents one of the hardest transitions is letting go of the role you played and finding/creating a new job description. i think one of my greatest accomplishments as a parent was influencing my kids to be thoughtful when making decisions and as they travel through their own journey my heart fills with pride when i am able to witness this. i am not at all insinuating mistakes are not made, merely honoring the process.
flow for me (right now) means relaxing (even if its just my shoulders for a few seconds)-breathing (trying to avoid hyperventilating) -letting go (with one eye open lol). its not perfect, but it is real. today my tribe is good and i will hold this goodness close. and when the wind blows i will try to raise the sail and fight the urge to bust out the oars and start the engine :)
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