sometimes

sometimes you can get lost in your thoughts... sometimes i get lost in a thought or an idea or a memory and then i swim there for awhile. sometimes just treading water. sometimes floating. sometimes kicking and splashing. sometimes fighting the waves that are crashing down with the high tide... sometimes you need more than a life jacket or floatation device. sometimes you wish you could just lay on the wet sand letting the sunshine kiss your shoulders... sometimes the water looks better from a distance.

seasons are changing again. there is a hint of coolness in the air. summer is passing and fall will soon be brushing the leaves on the trees...

moments

our days are made up of them:

little-big-funny-scary-sexy-revolting-happy-devastating

... moments

in a blink your life can change. in a breath, you may never see the world in the same light ever again. in a heart beat things can never be undone. with a touch things may be unrecognizable.

moments pass too fast/slow all in the same instance.
just like you're wanting/not wanting to know.

with age comes wisdom.
my conclusion... no matter what you do, you can never predict the outcome-the universe has a way of throwing curve balls, reminding you, your not in charge.

so what do you do with this? you laugh, you love, you cry, you get angry.

in a moment, this too shall pass.

looking for a silver lining...

how do you want to feel?

there i was.
up at five on a saturday.
this means i rested well... (and quite possibly over being jet lagged)

the rain coming down, my mind and heart open. i have been knee deep in the gifts of imperfection part two. i hate being and feeling behind and for this course i am both. i have no guilt or shame in any of this because i was on a life changing adventure with my best friend in a land far far away... OZ.

the first part of this course helped me to find my authentic self-k thats not entirely true-it helped me remember my inner child, in a really beautiful reunion with dancing and singing and tears of happiness. i can't say i talk to her everyday. i can say she is with me everyday-even becoming who i am-again.

while i have been on this journey of finding peace and pieces of me, i was introduced to the idea of desire mapping. i become inspired to ask myself "how do you want to feel?" this is an amazing exercise.

right now.
this very second, i want you to get up and go to the nearest mirror. i want you to look yourself in the eye and ask "how do YOU want to feel?". if you say "i don't know", ponder this and revisit the question. OH and come back and finish reading my babble ;) . if you said you don't know, i can relate. i had to get out my trusty notebook-not the organized notebook that i write in with chronological purposes, but the OTHER notebook that has doodles and random rants and grocery lists and my grandsons drawings. first i started writing down words-randomly-without a whole lot of thought-purging on a blank page. once i was done, i went back and framed the words that really spoke to me. i went back to the mirror and asked the question again. this time i had an idea of what i would say back to my reflection. i wrote on my mirror the answer (in fact its still there). this journey has caused me to realize important things. first-i'm not the worst case (which is good news). i'm not the best case (which means there is room to grow). i'm not judging-merely trying to have an objective view, a reference point.

i'm ready to move forward.

recently i ordered the desire map and i am starting to look at things around me with a new intention. internally i am letting go and cleaning out the closet. i am making room to grow and feeling good through the process. i should mention getting to this place was dark and twisty a lot of the time. lots and lots of doubt and shame. lots of time spent not feeling comfortable in my skin and in a miserable headspace. its all temporary-the good and the bad and i'm choosing to lean into ALL of it.

i am currently in deep thought. pondering my core desire feelings. if you want, we can share :)

Mine:
love
happiness
courage
hope
peace
to live with my whole heart

okay now tell me yours.

being five

i had to make sure he didn't turn into a big kid over night... for the record it sure feels that way. i wrote about him saying Good bye ONE Hello TWO; two days left of being two; very last day of being three and being FIVE.just.like.that. even though there were lots of days in between then and now... it still feels like it happened in a blink.


Five from Monybean on Vimeo.

while he was five he:
began drawing pictures and making up stories.
mastered lower case letters in the alphabet.
started kindergarden.
learned to read (really well).
rides the bus like a boss.
struggled a little socially.
challenged his teacher because he learns new things quickly.
favorite food started out as mexican lasagna but now is pizza.
for a week he decided his favorite cake was "chocolate german" but recently went back to carrot cake.
says "reg-a-ler" but stopped saying "buzzert" (desert).
is still a morning person.
still dances when a song inspires him, only these days he gets embarrassed if he notices someone watching.
his smile changed in a single moment when he lost his first tooth and about a week later he lost the second (which was good because his adult teeth were growing behind them:) ).
worries about things being "right".
has started dreaming at night more vividly and is excited to share what he has dreamt about.
has school friends.
count to six in spanish.
likes to dress up in a suit.
likes his hair to be combed like "robin" (a comb over to the side) rather that "up" (in a mohawk).
likes science projects and math (oh and recess).
had his very first school program.

he still loves super heros and he told me when he grows up he wants to be a "men in black" hehehehehe (of the Will Smith variety). what an incredibly smart and witty boy :) happy birthday maximus!!

getting ready

you may or may not know i'm soon to be a world traveler. i am excited. i am scared. i am excited. i am scared. i'm excited again.

i have rituals- they have changed over the years- things like checking to make sure the refridge is closed tight, the garbage is taken out, windows are shut-i'm leaving for a while and when i come back i want my home to be as a left it-kind of rituals. with the people that i love i go through a similar process. telling them i love them in a big way giving them a hug and a kiss and a hug and a squeeze of the hand and then i look at them and take a mental picture-lately i have been taking selfies :) like i said my rituals have changed/evolved over the years. i also go through the if i die this is where the important papers are... i have been having this conversation with my boys for YEARS. when they were little i wanted them to be prepared, and we needed to have a plan, ya know-just incase. this conversation freaks them out a little (LOT). i really do not do this to freak them out - i do it so that i know they have tools and well, we have a plan.

this trip i'm going on caused me to update my important papers and have... the TALK. my boys humor me while they are visually uncomfortable. we talk about what to do with stuff and it usually ends with one or both of them say -this is dumb your not going to die. to be honest, i'm totally okay with the conversation ending like this, it works, ya know :)

one of the driving forces of me going on an epic adventure like this one is-life is precious-and short... so i'm going toward the joy, every single chance i get :) rather its eating dessert before the main course or dancing around the house to a new song i just downloaded OR flying around the world with my best friend because-i can!

i'm still struggling with what to put in my back pack (this is my packing ritual lol) but i'm ready to take this giant leap and enjoy every single moment with reckless abandon.

simplifying in 2013

i started this year with an idea, one word - simplify

i attempted to create a 365 of me. the project morphed into more than just a photo a day... lots of pen to paper, with honest words in not so pretty handwriting-filling my art journal with mixed medium. this project helped me find, well, a new/old version of me. dusting off old dreams which inspired new dreams. once i noticed i was fighting the process in a self defeating sort of way, i let go... free falling into discovery. your perception is your reality. altering your reality is as simple as changing your mind. writing this it sounds simple-the process for me was more like one of the battle scenes in the lord of the rings... i must admit the view on the other side- epic.

letting go of ideas/ideals

• accepting simple things
• enjoying simple pleasures
• leaning into simple moments
• appreciating simple gestures
• inhaling a simple breath
• exhaling simple relief
• surrendering to a simple plan
• simply cutting myself some slack

okay maybe it wasn't simple in the beginning (or now)... however bumpy the process has been, i have committed to simply try.

this year has been filled with permission-

• permission to be messy without guilt or shame
• permission to let go of perfect
• permission to fail
• permission to have fun
• permission to do what ever the hell i want to do :)

2013 has been filled with songs-lots and lots of songs. 13 shows in 2013. humming and grooving and singing and dancing to live melodies. i break into song-always :) its what i do-because life inspires me to sing (mostly off key) changing the words along the way and i'm not shy about it :)

this is the year:

• i blew out 43 candles (literally) during a massive rain storm AND power outage.
• i cut 16" of hair.
• i lost twenty pounds.
• julius and i started living alone, while having awesome neighbors :).
• i planned an out of country trip. 
• my mantra became "not my journey, not my journey, not my journey, not my journey" (when you are the parent of adult children, you'll get it).
• i experienced vertigo for about 3 months. i never found out the cause, i just know i don't have a brain tumor or MS.
• i stopped practicing yoga (mostly because of the vertigo thing BUT plan on picking it up again-not the vertigo but the yoga :) )
• i celebrated my oldest sons 25th birthday which also means i have been a momma for a quarter of a freakin' century.

this year was full of life... it had peaks and valleys and success and struggle, full of tears and laughter, hope and despair, loss and gain, happy moments and fits of rage- in the really simple and genuine kinda way life happens. my personal growth has been the biggest accomplishment. tapping into all my senses- not just hearing, seeing, smelling or tasting.. but experiencing it, by how it makes me feel. doing more of what makes me feel good and less of what makes me feel not so good. spending more time connecting to and reflecting on the experience.

nothing is forever-NOTHING. coming to terms with the reality of everything being temporary, and appreciating its beautiful fragility. by taking self portraits nearly everyday and writing or painting regularly has allowed me the opportunity to be present, to be less judgmental/critical of myself and have proof of being here.

2013 from Monybean on Vimeo.

this year i have went through complicated to get to simple :) funny the way it is, if you think about it.

what does 2014 bring? i don't have a crystal ball-i do however have one word... my word for 2014 will be Dare.