we've never been fifty before

i am having feelings about this. my older sister is knocking on fifty candles. i'm having more feelings than i ever thought i would. shit. (more like "SHIT!")

i have a confession to make to my sister. i totally took off your birthday week :)

all of my life i have been her sister. all of it. every single day. she had four years, five months and 29 days all by herself -poor thing ;). i love you maude. i'm glad you were fist, even though i didn't always feel that way :)

forty nine things:

1. she taught me how to keep a secret
2. she tried to inspire me to be tidy
3. she told me i was adopted
4. she told me she was adopted
5. she protected me
6. she made fun of me
7. she laughed at me
8. she laughed with me
9. she stuck up for me
10. she always got the cooler stuff (remember that glow in the dark sand thing-yeah mine didn't glow in the dark)
11. she hated when they dressed us alike (i thought it was great)
12. she wouldn't let me love leif garrett OR shaun cassidy
13. she almost always did things before me
14. she taught me not to wear eyeliner in the wet line (i rebelled for a couple of years but eventually took her advice)
15. i was her maid of honer in her fist marriage
16. she was my maid of honer in my second wedding
17. she used to sing to me with a round brush
18. she took me to my first adult doctors appointment
19. she helped me through the awkward teenage years
20. she helped me through heartache and heartbreak 
21. she wished she wore glasses (i HAD to wear glasses)
22. she wished she had braces on her teeth (i HAD to wear braces on my teeth)
23. i threatened her, she better not want to be in a wheelchair EVER
24. she helped me clean the house when dad thought if i'm home SICK from school i might as well do something
25. she normalized things for me growing up
26. she made me an aunt
27. she sent packages in the mail when i made her an aunt
28. she helped me be a new momma over the phone
29. she made things "okay" just by saying "pup, its okay"
30. she never made fun of me when i wanted to be a belly dancer
31. she could always eat hotter food than me-always
32. she could always cook better than me-always
33. she helped me to be braver
34. she sometimes loved when i would say things she was thinking
35. she fed me spiritually when i was starving
36. she used to steal my sweaters and shrink them to fit her
37. she still apologizes to me about the sweater thing
38. she helped me rise above
39. she borrowed me her kids to manny for me in the summer
40. we talked everyday when our dad was diagnosed with cancer
41. we helped each other laugh during really dark days
42. we are still amazed growing up in the same house how we can be so different
43. we always appreciate when we notice the aspects we are exactly the same
44. she made special trips to my house to take care of me
45. she helps me never feel alone
46. she gets why i burn incense in january
47. we got to witness each other being grandmas
48. we were honored to serve and take care of our grandma
49. we have mostly liked being sisters :)

 we have been through lots. i love you maude! happy very last day of 49!!

light my fire

yes, in my head jim morrison was singing "come on baby" when i wrote that subject line :) my life is a mixed tape and yes jim would be singing, probably on both the A and B side.

i have accepted in order to get light, ya have to walk or sit in the dark. walking around in the dark can be a bit dangerous, your just asking for your toes to get stubbed. no matter-growth can some times be uncomfortable and a little (lot) painful.

january i signed up for three online classes, two of which started in january. brene and jane help me live a more balanced life- feeding my need to beat down my inner critic. brene helps me see my truth and jane helps me paint it. both ladies inspire me to live my own dream. my third class coincidentally called fire starter sessions by danielle and this makes my subject line a little bit more than fabulous!  all three of these remarkable ladies talk about perfection and the importance to show yourself some serious self love. its important to take a good hard look at your story, and observe just how your participating in it. are you the victim? the villain? the vixen? the warrior? the hero? who is in the driver seat? are you facing north but wanting to head west?

are you finding joy? more importantly are you experiencing it? do you know what makes you happy? are you doing those things that make you blissfully intoxicated? are you in the dark? do you know where the flashlights are? does your flashlights need fresh batteries? do you just need to be patient and wait for the sun to come up?are you paying attention to what your good at? are you aware of how your actions are rubbing up against others? are you chasing butterflies? how about squirrels?

 and just like that 2016 has one less month to travel through. me being 10 pounds lighter, literally.  asking myself questions... and answering them :)

finding light

and letting it all in.

over the edge...

well, we just crossed over to 2016.

my word for 15 was hope. coming into 2015, i felt a little (a lot) beat up-physically and emotionally. i'm leaving this year a little wiser and a lot more hopeful.

where was my hope you might be wondering??? it was in all the kind words that were given to me. it has been in all the selfless gestures from humans near and far. my hope was wrapped around my wrist :) hope was given to me in boxes and screens. my focus was in search for the things that fill my cup...

what i realized is, my hope was hiding behind the cynical side of myself i never knew existed.

for as long as i can remember i have always wondered "whats wrong with me?' then i started wondering "what is wrong with them?" for the record i still have no idea who "them/they" are. then it shifted. my thought process changed ever so slightly and i realized there is only something wrong if i keep looking for something wrong. now don't get me wrong, i'm ridiculously optimistic but i'm also a realist. things change, and they stay the same. the key is to put down the measuring stick and simply count YOUR blessings and be YOUR best self (even if today you're a wreck).

simply.
this too shall pass.

you can't undo what you did, get caught up in what your gonna do... you can only do what you do :) only control what your doing right now. right now i'm typing words, for myself and who ever else wants to pay attention. i'm sharing what is on my mind, and hopefully influencing in a small way. i'm traveling my own journey, and dancing to the beat of my own drum. singing louder than i "should" and making up the words i don't know. laughing. showing up and being present.

this was the year i realized my happily ever after doesn't resemble what i thought it would. things changed- dreams change. right now, things are good. my ever after is still pretty stink'n happy :) i still worry about my clan-not in a nervous bite your nail kinda way-just a momma kinda of way. i wish for them to always be a little more than "okay" on the not so good days and i pray they hold tight to all of their happy.

2015 from Monybean on Vimeo.

my hope is those who i am lucky enough to meet will leave a little happier :)

what is in store for 2016... light. it only takes one little word.