i usually just keep right on talking...
no judgement alright, i'm being honest here!
an ugly truth is the universe pretty much has to hit me upside the head (a LOT of times) before i will focus. okay, this is not entirely true. i'm usually focused, just on other stuff.
i just completed a little e-course on self love. when i signed up i was thinking it would be all about learning to take better care of myself, full of warm fuzzies. i should probably mention i am not really into "self help" books. truth be told i always thought they were a bit hokey. i remember when i was a kid, my dad went through a phase. he read a self help book and then tried to convince me i "let" people make me mad, sad, whatever. in that moment i thought, "um NO, you make me mad when you (fill in the blank)." as i grew older i realized there is a whole lot of truth to that statement. i have learned am the decisive element and decide how to respond. this has not been an overnight revelation... hence the statement of my ugly truth.
through much of my twenties i was too busy to worry about self love, hell i thought i was doing great if i remembered to moisturize once in a while. i was busy raising two little boys. i was busy working (sometimes more than one job). i was busy picking up the house, staying on a tight budget and preparing well balanced meals. i was busy running here and there. i was busy i tell you and i really didn't give "ME" much thought cause i had lots of stuff to do. my thirties were dark and twisty. i was still raising boys, but they were rapidly turning into men. i was still working (only one job now). i was still running here and there, and taking care of all the day to day chores. i was also heart broken, losing important men in my life. i was sad, and angry and scared and all the other things you feel when you have major loss. in my thirties there was a whole lot of endings... saying good bye was not foreign. my physical busy life became mentally and emotionally busy too.
the universe has tried to tell me many of times "you need to take better care of yourself". this would be clear to me when i would be still just for a moment and fall asleep standing up, or in the middle of a conversation...
i am finally listening. better late than never right? for the past six weeks i have looked at "me".
week one:
examine how you treat yourself.
i was encouraged to notice/observe, without judgement/criticism. i was introduced to the concept of being kind and gentle with my observations. for the record, i think i do a pretty amazing job of giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt. i try to be kind or helpful. but with myself... WHOLE different story. so in the first ten minutes of my course i was thinking, i SUCK at this! lol yeah its taking me some time to catch on to the notice/observation versus judging/criticizing thing.
week two:
stay in a moment.
this should be relatively easy right? yeah, not so much for me. i worry about "whats next". a "what if" mentality. staying in THE moment is a bit tricky, but i am attempting to. i find my mind racing and then i slam on the brakes. to be honest, i've been having a little motion sickness with this exercise.
giving myself permission to just embrace myself, where i'm at, where i've been, the direction i am headed. appreciating all the beauty my imperfections carry... if anything to just observe, with no intent to fix or change it. this whole awareness stuff is rough-uncomfortable-scarey and intoxicating. being aware of something with no agenda, or plan. being aware and giving yourself permission to be still. shutting my mouth (both on my face and in my head) and listen...
try it. maybe you will find it easy, but i sure as hell didn't.
week three:
listening to your body.
getting out of your head and listening to your body... i signed up for a 30 days of yoga. having a virtual yoga teacher works for me. learning to breathe. learning to stretch. taking care of my physical self. learning what road blocks i set up and why. this has been good for me. finding balance, or more importantly creating-influencing it.
week four:
tapping into your intuition.
listening to your instincts. i have referred to this as radar. you are given radar for a reason, it keeps you safe. i teach this at work. being aware of those "spidey" senses. focusing less on the things you want and more on what is needed... we have the answers to most questions, we just don't always like what they are. at least thats how i feel about it. if you are quiet and allow yourself to listen, you know what to do. its scary sometimes, feeling vulnerable... trusting the process. allowing yourself to experience all the emotions involved. its also life changing. accepting you are right were you are supposed to be. relax, breathe, surrender... because good or bad, this too shall pass. listen with an open heart and turn off your brain. cause lets be honest, your brain talks you in/out of things you regret later on. your heart is always honest, it feels it all... the good, the laughter, the bad and the really really crappy. our brain is what tries to control things, at least thats what my brain attempts to do a LOT of the time.
week five:
finding our purpose.
taking inventory of personal strengths. looking at where you're at right now. who you are. what your beliefs are. letting go of the idea of what others want you to be. daring you to see. for this i have noticed i have been becoming reacquainted with my inner child. she never really cared what others thought too much. she seen the world in a very simple way. she laughed and was silly and found beauty in ordinary things. i realized how much i have missed her (or this side of me). the endless dreamer. the little girl who wanted to be a belly dancer until she put a rock in her bellybutton and was traumatized when she couldn't get it out. how she fell in love with bright green pants with a big fish on the leg, and was totally bummed because they were floods (yeah i have always been tall). looking back on this i really wished someone would have attempted to make those awesome pants into capris for me. the little girl who would lay on her back and close her eyes and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. the story teller. the little girl with the crazy imagination.
week six:
grounding and integrating what you've learned.
i was given a list of questions to answer.
- what have i learnt about myself?
i've learned i am pretty mean and unforgiving to myself. i've learned i will fight fiercely to avoid feeling vulnerable. i have also learned i wasn't always like this.
- how am i feeling about myself?
i am feeling good, better than good. i am proud of where i am at in the moment. i feel i still need to grow, and have much to learn but am happy i have direction.
- what has changed or shifted over the past weeks?
the idea that taking care of yourself is not selfish. in fact, when i am taking better care of myself i have more strength and energy to share.
- what has surprised me?
something so "easy" can be so "difficult". being still. staying in the moment. observe with no judgement. once you let go the difficult becomes easier.
- what lessons/activities do i really want to revisit?
staying grounded. learning patience. trust. the value in vulnerability.
- what lessons/activities do i really want to incorporate in my everyday?
meditation and physical exercise. breathing and being still.
- what do i really want to remember moving forwards?
big things are made up of many small acts. by incorporating small routines creates huge results. when i self doubt or criticize i ask myself "is this helpful? would i say these things to a friend or to that little girl you once was?" these two questions have helped me so much.
