stopping and starting

why i do what i do and why i stopped. most important, why i'm starting again.

i have been writing in notebooks for more years than i haven't. i have filled pages with history, fears, dreams, stories, day to day ramblings. i have lost or burned journals over the years. in 2010 i wanted to find all the notebooks i had stashed through out my house. it scared me to have my thoughts collected in one place. i write to remember, to process, to share secrets with no one in particular. i write so i don't wear out my friends or family with my perseverating thoughts. in 2012 i worked on embracing moments. not running away from them. not overlooking them. not missing them. just trying to experience them. while i was embracing i got lost. lost in my own mind. thoughts were lost. ideas squelched. inspiration over looked. i was busy just trying to keep up with the many moments that happened. what i learned, you can't love every moment. no matter how hard you strive for it. i also learned its okay and who really cares anyway. i got lost in just being in the moments-good/bad/ugly. then i found myself more vulnerable than i have ever been. my voice felt as though it had no substance.  i didn't write/photograph/express... i also found beauty in all of this. i didn't hide or make excuses. i went with the waves of the universe. i appreciated the year. having gratitude for the many highs and lows day to day life gave me. funny that i didn't record all of this. not funny ha ha just funny strange. i started dozens of descriptions of 2012 events but finished only a handful. i guess this was my own private journey. that is why i stopped. it wasn't planned. its just the way the year unfolded.

the new year has began. day three. my life is still busy and stressful. i have more on my plate than i would like. so i decided 2013 will be about simplifying. to make simpler or easier to do or understand. to make uncomplicated. my goal is to make room for amazing new things. i've started several new projects. i'm not ready to share them just yet, but i will soon i promise. i have been compiling a list of things i want to accomplish. for now i just want to wish my friends and family warm wishes of love and peace. may you all have just enough.

thankful list of 2012

my word this year, embrace.

i have pushed myself to accomplish this.

embracing ALL the moments.

I'm thankful for:

• shocking moments.
• stressful days.
• unexpected change.
• self doubt.
• disappointments.
• challenges.
• unanswered questions.
• worry.
• uncertainty.
• fear.

the list above brings my life balanced. i don't wish for any of those things. hell i don't even like these things. i usually avoid or fight them. but here is the deal... 

these are the things that have brought me:

• the most growth
• strength i didn't know i had
• the drive to work even harder
• a warrior spirit
• appreciation to the moments void of those things
• new beliefs or ideas
• all things come in time
• to find ways of being prepared
• faith
• the value of vulnerability

i am thankful for family, friends, good health, laughter and having just enough.

wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving.

celebrating in 2012

we do our celebrating with:

• cake
• ice cream
• food
• stories
• laughter
• love

with each new year adding a candle. ignite the flame and make a wish... i love how with each new year, we start it with a wish. filling this momma heart of mine with gratitude.

07may12

05jun12

07sep12

23sep12

another year older & wiser.

another year filled with more blessings than i can count.

and so we begin a new season... 

twenty four

24 years ago... TWENTY FOUR!!! let me digress for just a minute or three. seriously, how did this happen?!?!?! i ask myself "where did it all go? where on earth did 24 years go?!?!?!" i have been present for every single one of them, rather my seats have been front row and center or the nose bleed section. no matter how grown and mature he becomes, i will always see him as my boy.

deep breath.

its hard to believe my oldest son is in his mid twenties. crazy-crazy-crazy-crazy! seeing him continue to grow. face life head on. not running from responsibilities. working. struggling. managing. over coming. teasing. laughing. playing. being a single parent is not even close to being easy and he does it well.

this past year he:

• has began mastering his daddy face (because kids say and do the funnest things and sometimes its really-super-terribly hard to keep a straight face).
• has yelled at his mother because she doesn't need to keep a straight face anymore ;)
• read stories to his son before bed time
• pulled slivers out of the same little boy who can be overly dramatic
• has been teaching his son, tantrums do not get you what you want...
• went camping
• fishing
• hunted
• road a motorcycle
• bought a motorcycle
• got a motorcycle license on his first try
• ran a red light (on accident) not with the motorcycle, but in his mothers truck lol
• hung out with his brother
• went to wendover to see a comedian with his buddy

he has made me proud. he continues to make me smile with his wit and smarts. his mannerism remind me so much of my fathers and his laugh reminds me of HIS father. what an amazing man he has grown into. what an incredible father he is to his son. when he is looking at his boy, i tell him, "you see how your son looks to you right now? this is how i still see you sometimes." :) my grams told me before she passed, this never goes away no matter how old everyone gets (:

wishing my oldest son the happiest of birthday.

clouds of color

15SEP12

color run! 

two sisters.

one really fun time.

i decided i wanted to do this last week.... 

i'm a planner. i have prided myself on being thoughtful when it comes to doing things. the older i get, the more reckless i find myself ;) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, except for the blister on the bottom of my foot and my noodle legs :) the great thing is there was lots of people who signed up for this event without much notice or preparation either lol. i over heard someone say over 6,000 people joined the party (who may or may no have planned).

at the start line we all had one thing in common, a white t-shirt (or some version of a white t-shirt). the color zones made each leg of the race so much fun and something to look forward too. there was a water station at the halfway mark. there were lots of smiling faces and so much positive energy! there were lots of cheers and high fives and color. there were parents running and walking. kids running, riding on the shoulders of their family, being pushed in strollers and there was some being dragged along lol. there were lots of volunteers to make the event safe and fun. there was lots of music and dancing, and strutting around in their colorful costumes. at the end of the race there was only hints of the white t-shirts :)

NEXT TIME (because there will BE a NEXT TIME):

• plan on planning just a little bit
• better running shoes
• maybe train for it ;)
• have more family and friends join the fun
• tutu's (some of the participants had tutu's with wings, tutu's with capes, tutu's with amazingly colorful socks)

check out the website and see if the color run is coming to your area.
sign up.
you wont be sorry you did :)

41 things

captains log
day 15,340.
is it just me or is that a whole lot of stinkin' days!
during the last 365 days...

41 things being forty one

1. foo fighters concert (had a ball)
2. watched Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band (peter framton looked so much cuter when i was a kid)
3. cut 6" off my hair
4. tried fake eye lashes (may do this again)
5. made smoothies for breakfast (small addition)
6. hula hooped in public places (have yet to get arrested)
7. bounced on a hotel bed (stinkin' hilarious)
8. laughed till i cried (on more than 10 occasions)
9. blew bubbles with my grandson (yup its still fun)
10. ate at panda express (i love their fridges and all the colorful vegies)
11. bought my first apple computer (it was a love/hate relationship for a while there)
12. got my first ipad that was a gift from my boys (i have great boys)
13. dropped my iphone in water (not on purpose, and there was lots of cuss words after)
14. took my dog to a groomer (trying to get him in that kennel was tricky)
15. got a massage (need to do this way more often)
16. didn't eat meat for a week (decided i could never be a vegan)
17. got brand new furniture (this was a first time thing for me)
18. went on a blind date
19. caught up with an old friend who i hadn't seen or talked to in nearly 20 years
20. used organic soaps
21. made my own bath salts
22. ate salads in a jar (i have a slight addiction to mason jars)
23. fell in love with my camera again (i can feel a 365 coming on again)
24. took some on line courses
25. bought crystals from australia because it made me happy
26. completed a 30 days of yoga class
27. recycled more and bought less
28. went to my first cousins funeral (love you bubba)
29. read books on my ipad (love my ipad)
30. printed my first photo on canvas
31. attempted to stand on my head (which hasn't been done in a couple of decades!)
32. started using light room to edit my photos
33. started shooting pictures in RAW
34. flew first class (doesn't suck. not even a little)
35. spent the night in coalville (so much fun)
36. went to a music festival with VIP tickets (had a blast)
37. had lasik surgery done because i didn't want to wear bifocals (still healing)
38. fell in love with smash books (yeah i have a thing for paper)
39. got lost in oregon three days in a row (i can get lost with GPS. i'm gifted like that)
40. ate at joes crab shack for the first time ever (holy goodness, tasty tasty tasty)
41. started thinking about making a list of things i want to do before i'm FIFTY!

that one time when i thought i was adopted

i called my sister yesterday before i headed to work. my question to her was...
how old was i when you told me i was adopted? she sighed before she answered. i think, maybe she still feels a little guilty about it (its okay maude, i love your guts!) after a lengthy conversation we determined our parents were still married, so that put me around three.

you see i had no clue what it meant to be adopted. my sister told me i was, and mom and dad would be mad if they found out i knew about it. i understood what a secret was-so i kept it. i was 9 or 10 when the truth came out. funny how things slip your mind and big sisters forget to un-tell little sisters things. i am laughing while i'm typing this because kids can be such little shits (remind me later and i'll tell you the tale how my big sister and i convinced our little brother he was invisible).

the truth. i was in elementary school. we moved again, which meant a new school and making new friends. these were the days when i would just ask "do ya want to be my friend?" no sense in wasting anyones time, right? my new friends where twins. i thought it was the coolest there was two of them and i decided i wanted to be a twin. i wondered if when i was adopted i had a twin. this thought entered my mind and next thing i knew i told these new friends the secret about my adoption adding the part of i had a twin, that may or may not have died at birth. you know, i'm not real sure why i lied about the twin part or why i even told them the secret. this was one of those times where i realized just how small this big old world is. see my twin friends mother worked with my aunt and some how or another everyone got to talking about my secret. next thing i know i'm at my aunts house getting yelled at for lying. i didn't say a word and took my punishment, i think mostly i was connecting the dots. see i totally knew the twin thing was a lie, but that was the day i found out i wasn't adopted which was good to know lol.

yesterday when my sister and i were revisiting this memory, she told me the reason why... i guess i was a slob. when it was time to pick up our room most of the mess was mine. she was sick and tired of her little sister the slob and she was trying to get me to carry my own weight. she was seven and well, she was at her wits end. i still laugh about this now. i think she was wanting to disown me but didn't know the right word, so that was the day i became adopted!